Clark to take Tizard to New York

Speculation on the future career of Labour politician Judith Tizard ended today with an announcement from Helen Clark that she would be taking the ousted Auckland Central MP to the United States with her this August, when she travels to New York to take up her new job as head of the United Nations Development Program.

It had been rumoured that Tizard would stand as a Labour Party candidate in Clark’s Mt Albert electorate, return to Parliament as a list MP or even run for mayor of Auckland’s supercity. Those rumours were quashed today with the news of her departure for New York. Clark advised that she has not yet informed Tizard about her upcoming move, as the prospect of such a long journey would only frighten and confuse her. Tizard will be leaving a month before Clark, as US Department of Agriculture regulations state that Tizard – who was Minister of Auckland, as well as Associate Minister for Arts and Transport – must spend at least a month in quarantine before she can enter the US.

A spokesperson for the USDA advised that during her stay in the quarantine center in Hawaii Tizard will be examined for worms and other parasites, and vaccinated against rabies. Clark admits that such a prolonged period of confinment will be distressing for Tizard, but insists that once she’s freed of the quarantine centre she’ll forget all about it in a matter of days.

Sources close to Helen Clark warn that Tizard will no longer have the same care-free lifestyle in New York as she did in Auckland or Wellington.

‘Judith was unsupervised a lot of the time,’ said a former staff member in Clark’s department. ‘Although she spent most of the day sleeping on a couch by the window in Helen’s office she would also roam around the beehive, wandering into diplomatic lunches and state dinners where she would delight guests by performing tricks, such as begging for food or rolling over and playing dead.’

Tizard will not be allowed into Clark’s office at the United Nations due to strict biosecurity measures imposed by the Department of Homeland Security. Instead the 53 year old career politician will be forced to stay in Clark’s apartment, where she will be left to her own devices for long periods while Clark is away on official UN trips.

Clark is understood to have purchased an automatic feeder to prevent Tizard from starving during her absence. At a preset time every morning and evening the device will dispense a serving of Swiss liquer chocolates into a bowl. It also fills her dish with Vueve Cliquot when Tizard presses her nose against a panel on the side of the machine.

Political commentators who know Tizard have warned that the move will be highly disruptive to the former Associate Arts Minister and predict that it will lead to behavioural problems. Dr Peter Davis, Clarks husband acknowledged the warnings. Davis is moving to New York with his wife and said he is committed to helping Tizard settle in.

‘I can take time from my research to care for her, and take her to obedience classes,’ Davis said. ‘Helen and I are committed to making this work.’

Clark was more pragmatic, telling reporters, ‘Obviously Peter and I will try our best but if Judith doesn’t work out we can always have her put down and buy a dachshund.’