Foreign Minister faces suspension of liquor license

Foreign Minister Murray McCully has vowed to fight a decision by the Liquor Licensing Authority to ban his office from selling or serving alcohol for up to five days. The ban follows a pre-dawn raid by police on the Cabinet Minister’s office in which a large number of underage and highly intoxicated persons were taken into custody.

The raid took place following numerous noise complaints from neighbours including Agriculture Minister David Carter and Attorney General Chris Finlayson who reported loud music, screams and alcoholic beverages leaking through the ceiling. The police officer in charge of the raid, Detective Jon Gillespie also cautioned McCully about the number of underage people in his office serving alcohol, which constitutes a breach of the Sale of Liquor Act.

McCully has rejected the accusations, explaining that the teenage girls dispensing alcohol were senior advisers within his department and that they were performing their roles as outlined in their job descriptions.

‘It is the role of key staff within my office to dispense tequila and lime juice to the minister and visiting dignitaries as requested,’ McCully said. ‘Although it is not mandatory that they allow salt to be licked from their stomachs it is expected and will be noted in performance reviews.’

The Foreign Minister also rejected accusations that his employees were dressed in an inappropriate manner for underage persons. ‘My office manual clearly states that advisers to the Minister are to wear either the Foreign Affairs cabinet office uniform being hotpants and halter tops with images of my face printed on the crotch and seat of the hotpants or any of the schoolgirl, french maid or naughty nurse outfits that the office shall make available to them. I respect that the police have a job to do but they have no authority to interfere in the running of my department. We are still missing several members of staff following this so called raid and their loss has impacted greatly on the critical work carried out by this office.’

Detective Gillespie has advised that he still has two departmental deputy secretaries in custody pending assault charges after they were apprehended striking the Minister with leather spankers and riding crops. ‘It has been argued that this was consensual activity and if this is the case then we will not press charges,’ Gillespie told reporters. ‘However, we need to establish the facts of this case and we are still waiting on the Cambodian Embassy to supply us with translators so that we can communicate with the individuals in our custody as they do not appear to speak any English.’

McCully insists that spanking and associated frottage was also covered by the departmental manual and job description which also include providing policy advice on constitutional and procedural matters, attending select committees and french-kissing in front of the Minister when appropriate.

When asked about the melted candle wax covering his Deputy Secretaries the Foreign Minister denied any knowledge, stating that this must have happened after they were taken into police custody. Gillespie denies this. ‘I am positive the wax was present during the raid, although the conditions of the operation were confusing and I concede I may have been mistaken. I note, however, that the inflatable dolls filled with helium that decorate the Ministers office were also covered in candle wax.’ McCully dismissed that point as irrelevant suggesting that the police were confused by the loud music, strobe lighting and office training movies being projected against the wall.

‘The rooms were all waist deep in foam, which also complicated matters,’ Gillespie said. The training films have been confiscated by police and referred to the chief censor.

The ban comes into effect tonight and will last until midnight on Tuesday. Sources advise that the Ministers office is usually closed during this time period so there will be little or no impact on the operations of the cabinet office.