Dim Post Budget Preview

The government’s ‘black budget’ is only days away. What spending changes and policy initiatives can we expect to see?

Law and Order:

$200,000 for purchase and maintenance of ‘Crime Van’, which will allow Prime Minister John Key, Police Minister Judith Collins and Welfare Minister Paula Bennett to travel around the country helping strangers and solving mysteries. Additional costs include $500.00 to paint a large picture of a magnifying glass on side of van. The Crime Van is expected to reduce spooky castle and haunted amusement park related crime by up to 30% over three years.

Health:

$60 million on home Swine Flu kits to prepare for the upcoming epidemic. Kits contain multivitamins, surgical masks, bags of quicklime and shovels.

Welfare:

$800 million to air-drop 200,000 copies of Atlas Shrugged and The Road to Serfdom over South Auckland.

200 front line counselors to help recently unemployed deal with self-esteem problems while they starve to death.

Families Commission to receive $119.5 million for 45 extra communications advisers, 38 public relations consultants, 5 media trainers, 19 wolfhound attack dogs and 8 tasers.

Environment:

$99.95 to combat global warming – if it even exists.

Infrastructure:

Reduce Auckland’s public transport costs by lowering number of buses to one per day for the entire city, cutting the service in half.

Defense:

$3.1 Billion on bunkers, mounted guns and shipping mines to defend our Prime Minister against Merrill Lynch’s mercenary army and their unquenchable lust for vengeance.

Parliament:

$65 strengthen lock on Deputy Prime Minister’s bathroom door so a guy can get a few freaking minutes of peace and privacy around here for God’s sake.

$800,000 expand contract for N. Hager Document Destruction Ltd to all government departments based on the excellent service they have provided the National Party in recent years.

$950 dispose of Che Guvera shaped waterbed in Premiere House.

Education:

$200 million ‘focus on basics’ program for primary school students will teach children skills that are relevant to modern New Zealand; will cancel English, te-reo and computing classes, focus on subsistence farming, basic firemaking and home surgery.

4.3$ million reorganisation of Education Ministry staff, moving them away from policy analysis  into front line positions building a canal between Stewart Island and Bluff.

$5 million Political Science department at Auckland University to be torn down, foundations burned, ashes scattered to the four winds.

Crown Entities:

35% increase in Securities Commission operating costs to replace money they lost to Nigerian fraudsters and magic bean-based investments.

Revenue:

Key to reveal that global financial crisis is just a big practical joke played on Bill English. Tax cuts for everybody!