The Dim-Post

July 31, 2009

Goose sworn in as new opposition leader

Filed under: Politics,satire,Uncategorized — danylmc @ 9:04 am
Domestic_Goose

Tiberius flew from the House yesterday and spent the afternoon scrounging for insects at an estuary, a move that has proved wildly popular with political commentators and the public

Citing the importance of robust opposition to a healthy democracy and the Labour party’s poor performance in holding the government to account, the Governor General Sir Anand Satyanand took the unusual step of directly intervening in the affairs of Parliament, making changes to the house that have shocked some but drawn praise from many political and legal experts.

Emphasising Labour’s lacklustre record and the importance of an opposition party in scrutinising Ministers actions and speaking truth to power the Governor General dismissed Mr Goff and the rest of his Labour MPs and on the same day swore in ‘Tiberius’, a four year old domestic Grey Goose who will act as opposition leader and sole opposition MP.

Although the move has drawn criticism from union leaders Mr Goff has cautiously welcomed the change. Constitutional lawyers have confirmed that Sir Anand is acting within his rights, citing a rarely used English law dating back to the period of Henry I, which allows the Regent to appoint ‘any barneyard animale, be he mayle true and not swyne not goat nor sheep, to ryse in dredful joye to jydge amung ye greatest’.

‘I think that is very clear,’ the Governor General told reporters at a brief press conference earlier this week. Speaker of the House Lockwood Smith has thrown his support behind the controversial move, although critics point to the Speaker’s longstanding friendship with Tiberius the Goose and question the politics behind the decision.

Before entering Parliament Tiberius lived on a fruit orchard near Otaki where his duties included eating algea and protecting a blueberry patch from sparrows. He also served on the Board of Directors for Meridian Energy.

The new MP has already made a strong impression on the government and its coalition partners; when Justice Minister Simon Power rose yesterday to introduce his new Search and Surveillance bill he was met with a tremendous quacking, honking sound, made by former Greens co-leader Jeanette Fitzsimons; the sound awoke Tiberius who rose on his hind legs and rustled his six-foot long wings at Mr Power who then withdrew from the Chamber. The bill was defeated and will not proceed to Select Committee.

Tiberius has formed a strong relationship with the Maori Party, accompanying Hone Harawira for lunchtime walks around Wellington’s Botanic gardens and frightening away a stray border collie that had been digging up the rose beds outside Pita Sharples’ Thordon residence.

The new opposition leader appears to have cooler relationships with Progressive’s leader Jim Anderton and United Future leader Peter Dunne, whom Tiberius chased across the Parliament lawn earlier this week before trapping him in a dead end near the Beehive annex, hissing and pecking at the Revenue Minister for nearly an hour. Sources close to Mr Dunne revealed that he has had several acrimonious encounters with Tiberius before the goose entered Parliament.

According to a Roy Morgan poll commissioned earlier this week and released today, Tiberius has proved an instant hit with most voters; although the formidable ‘people-who-hate-geese’ demographic has swung to National and ACT that has been more than offset by the centrist voters who are attracted to Tiberius’s bright white feathers and distinctive waddle when he walks. The poll suggests that if the election were held tomorrow Tiberius would be able to form a coalition with either the Greens or Maori Party, and a majority of voters cited a broad, rounded bill, extensive wingspan and powerful webbed feet as the most important qualities they sought in a leader.

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21 Comments »

  1. Suddenly Winston has competition for the ‘I support him because he’s so cheeky’ vote.

    Comment by Ataahua — July 31, 2009 @ 9:48 am

  2. “the Governor General dismissed Mr Goff and the rest of his Labour MPs and on the same day swore in ‘Tiberius’, a four year old domestic Grey Goose who will act as opposition leader and sole opposition MP.”

    um, you do know that the Green Party is part of the opposition, too?

    Comment by kahikatea — July 31, 2009 @ 10:23 am

  3. very good :)

    Comment by JakeQuinn — July 31, 2009 @ 10:24 am

  4. as long as he does his own flying.

    Comment by Neil — July 31, 2009 @ 10:34 am

  5. “He also served on the Board of Directors for Meridian Energy.”
    Magnificent work

    Comment by GarethW — July 31, 2009 @ 10:47 am

  6. Outstanding.

    Comment by Stephen Stratford — July 31, 2009 @ 10:56 am

  7. Can we Green voters have an albatross to replace our MPs?

    stick it around that Key fella’s neck and it would be even better (I’ve always found that metaphor strangely difficult to visualise)

    Comment by kahikatea — July 31, 2009 @ 11:23 am

  8. Tiberius has formed a strong relationship with the Maori Party, accompanying Hone Harawira for lunchtime walks . . .

    Hone always wanted a pet honky.

    Comment by joew — July 31, 2009 @ 11:31 am

  9. I had been about to grizzle that, despite your Juvenal quote, you appear to have been finding it increasingly difficult to write satire of late.

    You’ve redeemed yourself.

    I particularly liked the Meridian Energy bit.

    Oh, and I got bailed up by a goose when I was about four. They are evil bastards, believe me.

    Comment by Rob Hosking — July 31, 2009 @ 1:41 pm

  10. [...] at its best in the Dim-Post: Citing the importance of robust opposition to a healthy democracy and the Labour party’s poor [...]

    Pingback by Dim-Post: New Opposition Leader | Kiwiblog — July 31, 2009 @ 2:53 pm

  11. Welcome back!

    Comment by dpf — July 31, 2009 @ 2:54 pm

  12. I had been about to grizzle that, despite your Juvenal quote, you appear to have been finding it increasingly difficult to write satire of late.

    You don’t find my sly, deadly parody of a whining left-wing blogger amusing?

    I also made fun of Goff about a week ago but nobody noticed.

    http://dimpost.wordpress.com/2009/07/24/goff-defies-prime-minister-pierces-ear/

    Comment by danylmc — July 31, 2009 @ 2:59 pm

  13. The Meridian part got me, excellent work.

    Comment by goonix — July 31, 2009 @ 3:11 pm

  14. “I also made fun of Goff about a week ago but nobody noticed.”

    I noticed. You hadn’t been watching Father Ted before you wrote it had you?

    Comment by Bearhunter — July 31, 2009 @ 4:21 pm

  15. I saw that Goff piece and lol’d like a madman. Couldn’t think of a witty comment but I still enjoyed it immensely.

    Comment by Sam Finnemore — July 31, 2009 @ 4:32 pm

  16. Now, rather than a Goose, a Mallard would be a far more effective Labour leader than the one they have at the moment.

    Although Anas platyrhynchos trevorii may well live in constant apprehension of June 5 coming around each year, which could be a negative factor.

    Comment by toad — July 31, 2009 @ 5:38 pm

  17. But will Tiberius react to the Governments dog whistling?

    Comment by ConorJoe — July 31, 2009 @ 6:28 pm

  18. “He also served on the Board of Directors for Meridian Energy.” I actually guffawed. How embarrasing.

    “…met with a tremendous quacking, honking sound, made by former Greens co-leader Jeanette Fitzsimons” Again.

    This one made my day, Danyl. Well done.

    Comment by J Mex — July 31, 2009 @ 8:09 pm

  19. [...] Goose sworn in as new opposition leader Citing the importance of robust opposition to a healthy democracy and the Labour party’s poor performance in [...] [...]

    Pingback by Top Posts « WordPress.com — August 1, 2009 @ 12:25 pm

  20. [...] another topic entirely, Danyl at the dimpost brings us this fine satirical installment titled Goose sworn in as new opposition leader which concludes: “According to a Roy Morgan [...]

    Pingback by Around the traps with Douglas, Tiberius & Gardiner « Life and Politics — August 2, 2009 @ 11:49 am

  21. Is this the thin end of the Wedge?
    The Pate Party creates a balance between the Left and Right wing… hopefuly Tiberius will maintain his connection with the Foie Gras-roots members, amidst the gaggle of Parliament.

    To waddle or not twaddle?
    At last a politician that Walks the Talk… and Talks the Walk!

    PS : Pedant Services – I think you meant “Algae” and “Thorndon” :-)

    yrs liverishly
    A Gander

    Comment by Ian Dalziel — August 2, 2009 @ 11:53 am


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