The Dim-Post

September 28, 2009

John Key: New York Diary

Filed under: Politics — danylmc @ 11:25 am

Monday Afternoon. Consulate on East 41st Street.

Quick briefing with the press at the consulate. I make sure all the recorders and cameras are off and then explain to them that the New Zealand government and the National Party will not be held responsible for the actions – violent or otherwise – of New Zealanders who are offended by negative media coverage of their Prime Ministers statesmanship over the next week, and that we will not be liable for any firebombings of printing presses or drive-by-shootings of political editors carried out by well-meaning citizens in retaliation for critical journalism.
‘Everyone understand?’ They nod. ‘Good,’ I said. ‘Because nobody fucks with the KeyMaster.’
‘Nobody fucks with the KeyMaster,’ they dutifully chorused.

Monday Evening. My suite at the Breekman.

Cocktails with some of the old Wall St gang at Club 55 earlier. Good to see some familiar faces. Tense moment when someone asked me what I was doing for a job these days. I told them, there was a moments silence and they sprayed their drinks all over the table. I nervously joined in the laughter and when Dicky asked what I was really doing I told them I was COO at Deutsche. Feel slightly disloyal.

New poll back home. Slight dip but still riding high. It’s all a massive fraud, of course – we nose-dived after the budget and we’ve been in single digits for months, but what I got on Garner and the Espiners wouldn’t look very pretty on the front page. They know how to play ball.

Tuesday. Office at the UN.

Meeting with HC. The DPS boys led her into the room and assured me she was fine: ‘She was nervous this morning Sir but she’s eaten and she’s calm now.’ I knew better. She was still but her eyes were all white and she was breathing shallowly, her head low, scanning the room. I held back, greeted her cautiously and then she lunged: I’ve never seen anything move that fast! All I saw were flashing teeth and I felt the hot scent of English Breakfast tea against my throat but the DPS boys were quicker, forcing her back into the corner with their prods while she hissed and spat. Eventually she calmed and we discussed Copenhagen, Fiji and the MMP referendum. Also, she gave me a UNDP snow globe. Score!

Wednesday. Back at the Hotel.

Bad day today. No water at hotel, had to use Aussie faculties, had Rudd standing outside the door talking about a federated Pacific while I was trying to take a shit, then he stood outside the shower talking about something called ‘social capitalism’. WFT? Was so distracted I forgot to rinse the conditioner out of my hair and spent all day at the UN with my scalp feeling oily and damp. Couldn’t use the basins in the washrooms to rinse – how would that look if someone saw me? Met Obama and I could see him looking at my hair. ‘He knows!‘ I thought. ‘He understands!‘ If anyone would have a private place to rinse their hair it’s him, but I couldn’t figure out how to ask and he moved on to talk to Erdogan.

Thursday. NBC Green Room.

Show went well. Pity we had to agree to three more years of SAS deployment to Afghanistan to get the slot but thems the breaks. Lindsay Lohan! Heh.

Picked up some nice ties and links at Bergdorf yesterday and this morning Soper liked the look of one of the club ties. He had a coffee and a danish and I hadn’t had breakfast so I offered to make a deal. He crowed: ‘I’ve been around a long time John, you’d have to get up early to get the best of me.’ Long story short I now own his house which I’m mortgaging back to him for sixty points above OCR.

Friday. Starbucks on Harrison Street.

Sent my body double Andy to deliver the speech to the UN (something about a seat on the Security Council in 6 years. BFD) while I went record shopping in Tribeca. Picked up some old Sugar Cubes on vinyl and a totally awesome Arbus print that I was going to give to Bill but decided to keep for myself. Checked my email and it sounds as though the speech went down well. All right. Hooked up with Bronagh and the kids and flew out to Disney World. So long New York – you’ve been good to me.

About these ads

18 Comments »

  1. Too obvious satire, Dim.

    NBC Green Room.

    Late Night with David Letterman aired on NBC until 1993.

    Late Show with David Letterman airs on CBS.

    But is taped in the Ed Sullivan Theatre. And not by CBS (which is why Letterman was able to cut a deal with his writers during the strike).

    Comment by Graeme Edgeler — September 28, 2009 @ 11:45 am

  2. Awesome! Monday was the best, but the rest was pretty close

    Comment by MarkS — September 28, 2009 @ 11:50 am

  3. Danyl, on which street did you say you found the notebook?

    Comment by DavidF — September 28, 2009 @ 11:57 am

  4. [...] Dim-Post in fine form: Monday Evening. My suite at the [...]

    Pingback by John Key’s Diary | Kiwiblog — September 28, 2009 @ 12:02 pm

  5. kachow

    Comment by Sam — September 28, 2009 @ 12:08 pm

  6. I am going to have to clean the monitor screen

    Caused by the explosion on reading “Long story short”
    I was already laughing but that was too much

    Maybe we do underestimate a man who made serious money in a dog eat dog world

    Comment by rayinnz — September 28, 2009 @ 1:32 pm

  7. Picked up some old Sugar Cubes on vinyl and a totally awesome Arbus print…

    The Sugarcubes? Come on — we all know that John’s favorite artist artist of all-time is Brooke Fraser (not that he can name any of her albums or songs…).

    Comment by Zoo Neeland — September 28, 2009 @ 3:27 pm

  8. Apparently Key is staying on in the US “on holiday????”

    He takes a lot of holidays for a man on his salary, I suppose it comes with that millionaire sense of entitlement.

    Comment by Tom Semmens — September 28, 2009 @ 4:22 pm

  9. This Arbus print?

    Definitely too good for Bill.

    Comment by joew — September 28, 2009 @ 4:55 pm

  10. “He takes a lot of holidays for a man on his salary, I suppose it comes with that millionaire sense of entitlement.”

    (He doesn’t take the salary, Tom.) What’s the point of being rich if you can’t take loads of holidays, live in a nice house in a nice street and do charity work?

    Comment by Clunking Fist — September 28, 2009 @ 5:24 pm

  11. And “millionaire sense of entitlement” is that poor redundant multi-property owning bloke Mr Goff was advocating extra benefits for, methinks.

    Comment by Clunking Fist — September 28, 2009 @ 5:27 pm

  12. “…and do charity work?”

    for NZ.

    that’s a bit depressing. but then HC is head of the United Nations Development Programme. presumably she had lots of experience with dysfunctional developing economies.

    Comment by Neil — September 28, 2009 @ 8:03 pm

  13. Hope this is the first of the NZ “Mrs Wilson’s Diary” series.

    Comment by Owen — September 29, 2009 @ 7:22 am

  14. “Meeting with HC….”

    This bit in particular was superb. Bravo sir.

    Comment by Sam Finnemore — September 29, 2009 @ 9:48 am

  15. Actually, thinking about Mr. Key’s holidays – why on earth DOES a multi-millionaire who thinks being PM of NZ is an act of charity own a God awful psuedo-pink Mcmansion in the middle of sand duneup in Omaha?? Everyone knows his holiday home is in Hawaii.

    Or was it a little dogwhistle to the aspirational white middle class, who approve of the achieving of one leg of the “three B’s” trifecta that is the Kiwi dream? I suppose it wouldn’t do before an election to show your future PM taking the bulk of his numerous holidays in a gated community of privileged mega-millioniares in Hawaii. Better to buy a pile in Omaha, like the rest of Pakeha ruling class.

    I wonder how much time since the election Mr. Key has spent in his Omaha holiday home? We all know he’s spent around month in Hawaii already.

    Comment by Tom Semmens — September 29, 2009 @ 10:45 am

  16. “… why on earth DOES a multi-millionaire who thinks being PM of NZ is an act of charity own a God awful psuedo-pink Mcmansion in the middle of sand duneup in Omaha?? Everyone knows his holiday home is in Hawaii. Or was it a little dogwhistle to the aspirational white middle class, who approve of the achieving of one leg of the “three B’s” trifecta that is the Kiwi dream?”

    I doubt he bought it as a matter of political messaging – perhaps it was just a nice, cheap (by his standards) holiday home not far north of Auckland. Also in a few years’ time his kids will probably be quite happy to go up there in the summer and raise the traditional merry hell with their mates.

    Comment by Sam Finnemore — September 29, 2009 @ 3:46 pm

  17. “Or was it a little dogwhistle to the aspirational white middle class”

    My builder is brown and has a holiday house, Tom. He also owns more cars than me. Should I be worried? (I am white and middle class.)

    Comment by Clunking Fist — September 29, 2009 @ 5:04 pm

  18. If anyone got just a little tired of the pretence that Obama and Key are new best friends (or “very, very, very good friends”?), here’s a reality check:

    http://www.nzherald.co.nz/world/news/article.cfm?c_id=2&objectid=10600462

    (warning: not safe for those who need to believe Key “took New York by storm”, as one NZ headline put it)

    Comment by sammy — September 30, 2009 @ 4:57 pm


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Rubric Theme. Blog at WordPress.com.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 418 other followers

%d bloggers like this: