DimPost MP Ranking for 2009

National

John Key: 10/10. With his phenomenal combination of winning personality and sound political instincts Key is probably the finest Prime Minister New Zealander’s have had in 2009.

Stephen Joyce:  9.5/10. Transport Minister and Key’s consigliere, I saw him walking along the Terrace the other day eating an apple. True story.

Nick Smith: 8/10. Environment Minister has done excellent work crafting an Emissions Trading Scheme that doesn’t handicap decent, struggling Kiwi businesses like The DimPost’s parent company Lanthanide, Nitrogen Tetrafloride & Heavy Metals Disposal.com (Inc  Chongjin, North Korea).

Paula Bennett: 8/10. Feisty westie MP has attracted controversy but is a vital weapon in National’s battle against Labour for the hearts of the strategic white trash demographic.

Simon Power: 7/10 for solid work as Commerce and Justice Minister, 9/10 for outstanding performance in ‘Power of Justice’, my fantasy in which he’s a wise-cracking ass-kicking crime fighter battling the triads in Venice Beach.

Murray McCully: Shook my hand at a public meeting a few weeks ago and now it burns when I pee. 3.5/10.

Anne Tolley: 3/10. Is basically a lousy Education Minister. Hey, they don’t all have to be funny!

Tony Ryall: Although some praised him for his leadership in the Winter Flu outbreak, his announcement warning New Zealanders not to submerge their heads in buckets full of H1N1 infected mucus came too late for this swine-flu victim. 2/10.

Melissa Lee: Fought Labour candidate David Shearer in the Mt Albert by-election and wielded her knowledge of media tactics and Tae-Kwon-Do to use her opponent’s strengths against him. Unfortunately Shearer’s strength was that he got way more votes than her. 1/10.

Lockwood Smith: 0/10. He knows why.

ACT

Rodney Hide: 9/10. Heroic Epsom MP has revealed the gaping flaws in our electoral system and is an inspiration to carotenemia sufferers the world over.

Sir Roger Douglas: 8/10. Because he’s entitled to it.

David Garret: Not his fault supermarkets are allowed to bulk sell discounted alcohol at 8 AM. 5/10.

John Boscawen: Despite hard work in Select Committee and drafting private members bills, the ACT MP has been unable to overcome the unfortunate fact that he is John Boscawen. 3/10.

Maori Party

Pita Sharples:  Is just so fucking cute. 10/10.

Tariana Turia: 9/10. That’s not her rank, that’s how many Labour Party assassination attempts Turia will survive over the next two years.

Hone Harawira: Went on junket to Paris, wrote offensive email, looks members of white race in the eye instead of respectfully lowering gaze. 0/10.

United Future

Peter Dunne: 5/10. Has performed well as Revenue Minister in the face of lower tax take, increased ocean acidity and lower levels of surface plankton.

Labour

Phil Goff: Although he has moved quickly to divorce himself from Clark’s toxic legacy of competence, party discipline and sound political management voters are curiously unattracted to the new Labour leader. 6/10.

Annette King: 9.5/10. For obvious reasons.

Darren Hughes: Don’t really know much about him but he jogged past me as I was walking home last night and he said ‘Hi.’ So 7/10 right there. Also a true story.

Trevor Mallard: 6/10 for work as electorate MP; he really, truly represents Wainui.

Grant Robertston: New electorate MP for Wellington Central; originally received a very low rank after closing all roads into Wellington and forcing residents to swim to work, was upgraded when I realised that might have been a dream. 5/10.

Chris Carter: Labour’s foreign affairs spokesman compared John Key to Benito Mussolini, a tasteless gaffe that was worse than Stalin’s liquidation of the Kulaks. Lost additional points for being gay. 2/10.

Green

Materia Turei: Green co-leader’s difficult to spell name means nothing comes up when I google news search her. 1/10.