The Dim-Post

December 18, 2009

National announces plans to lower and not lower taxes in 2010

Filed under: Politics,satire — danylmc @ 12:57 pm

In the wake of Treasury’s HYEFU statement predicting a gradual economic recovery, recommendations from government task forces and business uncertainty around the future of New Zealand’s tax structure The National Government has announced plans to both lower and not lower taxes in the upcoming budget.

‘For purposes of revenue estimates, forecasts and government spending there will be no personal or corporate tax cuts next year,’ Finance Minister Bill English told reporters at a press conference. ‘Let us be very clear on that point. But having said that, there will be massive cuts to personal and corporate tax.’

Although the announcement was made by English, insiders point to Prime Minister John Key for the break through. ‘As Prime Minister I have taken a strong super-position on this issue,’ Key announced in a press release.

Senior National sources suggest that a similar solution to the Foreshore and Seabed issue will be introduced late next year, with ownership and customary rights both awarded and not awarded to iwi.

Labour has responded forcefully with two press releases; one from David Cunliffe supporting the proposal, the other from Shane Jones attacking it. A spokesperson for Phil Goff explained that the Labour leader simultaneously supports and opposes the new scheme.

It is understood that when Mr Goff is directly asked for his opinion he will collapse into a definite state.

The new policy is known within National Party circles as ‘the Copenhagen Interpretation’, so named because the Prime Minister was eating a Copenhagen ice-cream when he conceived of it early this morning while attending the COP15 talks in Denmark.

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11 Comments »

  1. Is HYEFU pronounced “Hey – Eff You”?

    Comment by bearhunter — December 18, 2009 @ 1:27 pm

  2. Brilliant!

    Comment by Berend de Boer — December 18, 2009 @ 1:28 pm

  3. “It is understood that when Mr Goff is directly asked for his opinion he will collapse into a definite state.”

    Well aren’t you just so fucking clever.

    Comment by Sara — December 18, 2009 @ 1:37 pm

  4. Wonderful! You manage to skewer both National and Labour beautifully in the one tale. And the reference to quantum mechanics … nice touch. :-)

    Cheers
    David (a physicist) in Chch

    Comment by David in Chch — December 18, 2009 @ 2:10 pm

  5. Does this mean we get to put politicians in boxes with randomly-opening vials of poison gas, to see whether they are alive or dead?

    Comment by Idiot/Savant — December 18, 2009 @ 3:05 pm

  6. I/S,
    Point of Schroedinger’s hypothetical is they will simultaneously be BOTH alive AND dead … until such time as we look to see.
    Personally, I’d prefer to tie David Cunliffe and Shane Jones in a sack and see which came out alive. Now there’s an uncertainty principle for you …

    Comment by Andrew Geddis — December 18, 2009 @ 3:38 pm

  7. Did Labour’s press releases (with the exact opposite spin to National’s) come out instantaneously?

    Comment by gazzaj — December 18, 2009 @ 3:43 pm

  8. Or, to quote Pratchett, the third state ‘Bloody Furious;

    Comment by Flynn — December 18, 2009 @ 7:11 pm

  9. a very timely reminder danyl that there is no such thing as temperature.

    Comment by Neil — December 18, 2009 @ 7:29 pm

  10. The paradox is not quite as complex as it seems (National’s policy, not Schrodinger’s Cat experiment)

    The press statement covers exactly what they are supporting, and the legislation makes it clear that it was never supported in the first place. Like the mixed messages in the Smacking Law, the Electoral Finance Act and the Emissions Trading Scheme.

    I urge all people supporting National, as a clear sign of support, to not vote for them. They’ll relate.

    Comment by ZenTiger — December 18, 2009 @ 7:49 pm

  11. Frankly, I have always found the Copenhagen interpretation to be a crashing Bohr.

    Comment by Stephen Stratford — December 18, 2009 @ 10:13 pm


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