Labour Party MP Pete Hodgson will be leaving Parliament to travel back in time and attack the reputation of Prime Minister John Key as a young boy, senior Labour sources announced today.
The Dunedin North MP plans to establish a new identity in the past where he can be close to the future Prime Minister – possibly as a teacher or friend of the Key family – and accumulate enough evidence to permanently damage Key’s reputation and preclude him from entering politics and becoming leader of the National Party.
‘We believe that as a ten year old child Key was involved in illegal currency speculation that badly damaged the New Zealand economy,’ Hodgson said. ‘We also have information suggesting that at about this time Key and his friend Derek shoplifted a pornographic magazine from a local dairy.’
‘I believe these crimes are related,’ Hodgson added. ‘My goal back in 1971 will be to piece together the evidence and present them to the New Zealand public. They will know that slippery John Key is not to be trusted even if the people of today will not. If I am successful the voters of 2008 will never even know Key’s name! How will you spin that Crosby/Textor?’
The Prime Minister refused to comment on Labour’s plan, saying only that he would be sad to see Mr Hodgson leave Parliament and adding that the Dunedin MP reminded him of an elderly man who lived next door to him as a child. ‘I don’t remember his name though,’ Key said.
Court records indicate a P Hidgson lived across the road from the Key family in Burnside during the early 1970s. He was later arrested in the United States attempting to blow up the headquarters of Merril Lynch in New York in 1981.
‘I often wondered what happened to that crafty old guy,’ Key chuckled. ‘He really had it in for me, always hatching some scheme to get me into trouble. When I think about it I wouldn’t be here today if I wasn’t for that sense of cunning and strategy he cultivated in me as a boy.’
Hidgson is currently incarcerated in the Attica Correctional Facility in New York State and is eligible for parole in 2019.
I saw the headline and laughed out loud. Then, the content lived up to the headline. Pitch perfect. You rock.
Comment by kyotolaw — June 16, 2010 @ 7:03 am
Life on Mars.
Comment by Rob Hosking — June 16, 2010 @ 7:13 am
I love your work!
Comment by The Double Standard — June 16, 2010 @ 7:16 am
Brilliant.
Comment by Berend de Boer — June 16, 2010 @ 7:17 am
Wow. If he’s 60 now, and goes back in time to 1971 and is still alive today then he must be 99 today. Impressive. Do you think that it’s the flicker of hope that he will one day bring Key down that keeps him going?
Comment by Bren — June 16, 2010 @ 7:27 am
Key might be his primary target, but a young YOU should probably sleep with one eye open as well.
Comment by Barnsley Bill — June 16, 2010 @ 7:34 am
How on earth did you find out about the Key, Derek and Penthouse story??? That’s something Key has been trying to keep secret for years.
Comment by Matthew Hooton — June 16, 2010 @ 7:44 am
hah! you should look for resemblences to gargamel.
Comment by che tibby — June 16, 2010 @ 7:57 am
At least have the good grace to wait for April 1st . . .
http://monkeyswithtypewriter.blogspot.com/2010/04/labour-will-fund-time-machine.html
Comment by Monkey Boy — June 16, 2010 @ 8:14 am
Very good, Danyl. Very good.
Kinda reminds you of Roadrunner and ole Wiley Kyote, don’t it?
Comment by Adolf Fiinkensein — June 16, 2010 @ 8:45 am
So if Pete is number 1 who are the other 11 Monkeys?
Comment by har — June 16, 2010 @ 9:03 am
I think this is the best yet, which is saying something.
Comment by Helenalex — June 16, 2010 @ 9:31 am
[...] } Heh, this is funny. You can read the whole thing here. Labour Party MP Pete Hodgson will be leaving Parliament to travel back in time and attack the [...]
Pingback by Dim Post on Hodgson « Something should go here, maybe later. — June 16, 2010 @ 9:48 am
Oh, wonderful! I too saw the headline, and chuckled, and the story exceeded expectations!
Excellent stuff, Danyl. Do you get these ideas in your dreams and then post them as soon as you awake?
Comment by David in Chch — June 16, 2010 @ 9:59 am
So which New Zealand blogger gets to play the leader of the Army of the Twelve Monkeys? You know, the ranting delusional guy man with a famous father who attacks the establishment and engages in all sorts of civil disobediance…
Comment by taranaki — June 16, 2010 @ 10:27 am
Dear God. I think this is your best ever.
Comment by Sam Finnemore — June 16, 2010 @ 10:47 am
And how will Hodgson do this time-travelling? On a Parliamentary taxi chit, I’ll wager. It’s an outrage.
He could save all that wasteful time-travelling by asking me abut John Key. I did go to school with the guy.
Sure, I can’t remember a damned thing about him, but I’m happy to undergo some counselling and see what recovered memories might be turned up. That’s what transparency’s all about.
Comment by Russell Brown — June 16, 2010 @ 11:43 am
I heard the sequel’s even better…
…in which scantily-clad humanoid ‘Gerry Bromley’ arrives in a flash of light to mentor the young Key and protect him from his ‘neighbour’.
Comment by terence — June 16, 2010 @ 11:48 am
I did go to school with the guy.
Sure, I can’t remember a damned thing about him, but I’m happy to undergo some counselling and see what recovered memories might be turned up.
Take this doll and show us where the Prime Minister touched you.
Comment by danylmc — June 16, 2010 @ 11:51 am
I have a morning ritual that I need to share. I call it “the terminator”. First I crouch down in the shower in the classic “naked terminator traveling through time” pose. With my eyes closed I crouch there for a minute, visualizing either Arnold or the guy from the second movie (not the chick in the third one because that one sucked) and I start to hum the terminator theme. Then I slowly rise to a standing position and open my eyes. It helps me to proceed through my day as an emotionless, cyborg badass. The only problem is if the shower curtain sticks to my terminator leg. It ruins the fantasy.
(/copypasta)
Comment by Sam Finnemore — June 16, 2010 @ 12:22 pm
Take this doll and show us where the Prime Minister touched you.
Please find invoice attached for replacement keyboard.
I bet Pete has an old telecom phone box in his office that he uses for time travel. Being telecom he on gets through occasionally but when he does its an air guitar celebration like Bill and Ted’s excellent adventure. excellent dude…
Comment by andy (the other one) — June 16, 2010 @ 12:35 pm
Brilliant – although if there had to be a ‘best ever’ I would vote for the organ harvesting post. But why quibble, it’s a cornucopia of satire. Thanks Danyl.
Comment by vibenna — June 16, 2010 @ 12:45 pm
[...] is dangerous when bored: Labour Party MP Pete Hodgson will be leaving Parliament to travel back in time and attack the [...]
Pingback by Dim Post on Hodgson | Kiwiblog — June 16, 2010 @ 1:01 pm
I bet Pete has an old telecom phone box in his office that he uses for time travel.
Down in the vast network of spooky old caves beneath parliament.
Comment by joe W — June 16, 2010 @ 2:13 pm
Russell B wrote “Sure, I can’t remember a damned thing about him, but I’m happy to undergo some counselling and see what recovered memories might be turned up.”
Like how your name was once Derek, maybe. ‘Cos that part of the post cracked me up (something funny about the name Derek).
Comment by rob Hosking — June 16, 2010 @ 2:38 pm
(something funny about the name Derek)
How true. Would you believe that Dee Dee Ramone’s real name was Derek Derek?
Comment by joe W — June 16, 2010 @ 2:59 pm
Sam: TOO MUCH INFORMATION
Comment by Phil — June 16, 2010 @ 3:35 pm
“Sam: TOO MUCH INFORMATION”
Nota bene: copypasta, meaning that story has been floating randomly around the internet for some time and wasn’t authored by me. Just thought it was apposite.
Comment by Sam Finnemore — June 16, 2010 @ 4:32 pm
‘We believe that as a ten year old child Key was involved in illegal currency speculation that badly damaged the New Zealand economy,’
I am sure John was doing this on Rob Muldoon’s instigation. I hope Pete looks into this possibility.
Comment by IHStewart — June 16, 2010 @ 6:06 pm
Pete Hodgson always reminds me of David Blunkett.
Comment by har — June 16, 2010 @ 6:31 pm
Pete’s the better dancer, har.
Comment by Clunking Fist — June 16, 2010 @ 6:50 pm
I see.
Comment by har — June 16, 2010 @ 6:56 pm
Oi Danyl, Taranaki’s onto something. Yahoo from me, too. Arf arf. Sooooo funny.
Comment by Galeandra — June 16, 2010 @ 10:23 pm
“Pete Hodgson always reminds me of David Blunkett.”
He reminds me of Count Olaf (see A Series of Unfortunate Events)
Comment by Bea — June 16, 2010 @ 11:03 pm
Hodgson starring in “Back to the Future”?
Hmmmm….
Methinks audience ratings would be depressingly low.
Mind you the “mad professor” role has possibilities.
Comment by peterlepaysan — June 16, 2010 @ 11:41 pm
Brilliant, nearly fell off my chair laughing.
Comment by Roger Parkinson — June 17, 2010 @ 11:34 am
[...] related to Danyl (in Danyl’s satirical moments, which are many and of which I give you one: Pete Hodgson to travel back in time to smear John Key as a child). TimT makes me laugh and gasp with delight with his sheer absurdity. From just the last week, I [...]
Pingback by Pieces of brilliant « In a strange land — June 18, 2010 @ 12:29 am
This is brilliant satire – who writes this stuff ? Doesn’t seem to be a column and link ( I got to this off google )
Comment by bobberesford.com — July 14, 2010 @ 12:15 pm
Great spanking song, Bob!
Comment by Clunking Fist — July 14, 2010 @ 1:40 pm
Er, or spanking great song, maybe?
Comment by Clunking Fist — July 14, 2010 @ 1:43 pm
“This is brilliant satire – who writes this stuff ? Doesn’t seem to be a column and link ( I got to this off google )”
The only place you get this stuff is right here. It’s criminal that nobody is paying Danyl to write this stuff (yet), but in the meantime we enjoy it for free…
Comment by Sam F — July 21, 2010 @ 1:33 pm