Alcohol Law Reform

The government’s response to the Law Commission report on alcohol was released yesterday. What are some of the proposed changes?

• Raising purchase age from off-licenses to 20, amending additional legislation to raise voting age, marriage age and driving age to 20 too. You like that, you smart-ass little punks?
• Reprint existing but unenforced laws regulating liquor industry in bold font.
• Anti-Perfect Day ordinance allows local councils to prevent consumption of sangria in the park.
• Tougher penalties for shaking up a can of beer and then handing it to someone else to open.
• Sunset provision suspending all present and future alcohol regulations within a 1.5 kilometre radius of the  Minister for Sports and Foreign Affairs.
• Parents permitting other people’s children to do tequila laybacks in their home must provide iodised salt and a minimum of one lime/child aged over eight.
• Decision on minimum pricing to be deferred until alcohol research group reports back on the best recipe for jelly vodkas.
• Fine for playing LCD Soundsystem’s Drunk Girls after midnight in a residential area increased to $20,000 per offence.
• Lower blood alcohol limit while driving to zero for under-twenties, DPB recipients and trades union members.
• Writing ‘I Like Samoans’ in lipstick on Bill English’s head while he’s passed out and then dropping him off in Porirua at 4 AM to find his own way home to become punishable by death.
• Document of Intent to be circulated to Doug Sellman and other anti-alcohol campaigners explaining that New Zealand does not have a drinking problem, it can stop any time it wants. And screw them man, what business is of of theirs how much we drink anyway? What are they spying on us or something? It’s not us with the problem – it’s them.
• Current advertising code and promotion guidelines to remain: Lion-Nathan and DB Breweries will continue to be name brand sponsors of the Sale of Liquor Act.