The Dim-Post

April 1, 2011

Gerry Brownlee to rebuild city

Filed under: Politics,satire — danylmc @ 8:26 am

The reconstruction of Christchurch will be directed by Gerry Brownlee, the Dim-Post can report.

Mr Brownlee, a National Cabinet Minister and former woodwork teacher will have authority over the rebuilding of the 19th Century cathedral city that suffered severe damage in an earthquake on the 22nd of February.

The first phases of the reconstruction have already begun, with the deliberate demolition of many businesses with their stock and computer equipment still inside them and the unauthorised destruction of several heritage buildings that suffered no serious damage.

‘We have to get Christchuch’s businesses up and running and work closely with the business community,’ said Brownlee as enraged business owners rioted in the streets.

Prime Minister John Key has praised Mr Brownlee for his ability to work collaboratively with others, his sensible decision making and long history of prudent public statements.

The reconstruction effort will be directed by central government on the basis that local and regional government agencies would not be able to cope with a task of such a vast magnitude. To assist with the additional demands now being placed on central government agencies Finance Minister Bill English has pledged to sack thousands of public servants.

Due to the damage sustained to the nation’s economic base, government revenues will decline sharply – so the Finance Minister has pressed ahead with plans to lower the corporate tax rate. Mr English is confident his policies will lift New Zealand’s economy out of recession.

Kate Wilkinson is Minister of Conservation.

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12 Comments »

  1. It is very difficult *not* to write satire sometimes.

    Comment by Chris — April 1, 2011 @ 8:37 am

  2. That last line: gold.

    Comment by Dan — April 1, 2011 @ 8:44 am

  3. That bold little sentence made my Friday morning a lot better.

    Comment by Jack — April 1, 2011 @ 8:52 am

  4. Yep, right up to that final line I found myself thinking “It’s April 1! Where’s the satire? This could well be another Stuff article….”

    Comment by Neil — April 1, 2011 @ 8:55 am

  5. The line between satire and truth is so thin.

    Comment by Rob — April 1, 2011 @ 9:07 am

  6. This reminds me of The Onion’s response when Arnie got elected Governor of California: they essentially reported it straight.

    http://www.theonion.com/articles/muscleman-put-in-charge-of-worlds-fifthlargest-eco,877/

    Comment by helenalex — April 1, 2011 @ 9:12 am

  7. Ive seen gerry in the koru whittling sticks and glueing them together, making mock ups of “gerry town” or old chchc

    Comment by k.jones — April 1, 2011 @ 9:29 am

  8. “That last line: gold.”

    I dunno – the post nearly was believable until that point. I think Danyl pushed too hard for a “big bang” ending. Spoiled the whole satire, it did.

    Comment by Andrew Geddis — April 1, 2011 @ 9:49 am

  9. April Foo… oh.

    Comment by garethw — April 1, 2011 @ 10:19 am

  10. I knew a teacher who was known as Big Eddie. He was huge. His control method was to standover and rumble, “Behave. Or I will sit on you.”
    Big Gerry has a control method modelled……….

    Comment by ianmac — April 1, 2011 @ 10:53 am

  11. All new buildings these days are built with ramp access. With Gerry in charge, we can be sure that the doors will be made wide enough. For wheelchairs, what did you think I meant?

    Comment by Clunking Fist — April 1, 2011 @ 12:44 pm

  12. I know it’s supposed to be a joke….but the truth is so close it’s more sad than funny.

    Comment by Steve — April 1, 2011 @ 1:24 pm


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