The Dim-Post

July 30, 2011

National to spot Labour Steven Joyce during election campaign

Filed under: Politics,satire — danylmc @ 10:11 am

Senior government Minister and key National Party campaign strategist Steven Joyce will be spotted to the Labour Party for the election campaign, Prime Minister John Key announced today.

The surprise announcement comes after weeks of dire polling for the Labour Party, compounded by a series of public relations fiascos. Joyce is regarded as Key’s closest advisor, and National’s strategic mastermind.

‘This will make the 2011 General Election a fair fight instead of a somewhat undemocratic cake-walk,’ Key said in his Beehive Press Conference. He added that came to the decision after speaking with Joyce, who ‘loves a challenge.’

Joyce will work closely with senior Labour MP Trevor Mallard, who is currently running Labour’s election campaign. Joyce has insisted that the two men will work together as equals.

‘Trevor’s role will be crucial to our success’ Joyce announced in a joint press conference with Labour leader Phil Goff. ‘In light of recent information security problems, Trevor will safeguard our campaign strategy documents in a tent on the Auckland Islands.’

The Auckland’s are an unpopulated sub-Antarctic island group with no phone or internet access. ‘Everything depends on this,’ Joyce insisted, as Mallard’s tiny orange dinghy sailed out from Invercargill into fearsome three meter swells.

Joyce has lost no time bringing his expertise to bear on Labour’s internal organisation, making sweeping changes to staffing, especially in the public relations area.

‘Previously the role of the media communications team was to communicate their hatred of the media to the rest of the party. We’ve re-tooled that, and the focus is now on communicating party policies to the media. Likewise, Labour’s polling team will now canvas the public on their feelings towards Labour, rather than the other way around,’ Joyce said.

He also dismissed suggestions that Goff was not the best person to lead Labour into the election. ‘I’m supporting Phil because he’s a maverick outsider who came to Wellington to clean up this town,’ Joyce said.’Some know-it-all university academics and faceless grey bureaucrats say Phil is too much of a reckless outsider, too much of a vagabond with a heart of gold who plays by his own rules to run this country. Not me.’

He also supported Labour Deputy Annette King who, he claimed, kept a mysterious box in her office that she would only open if Labour were voted into office. Recent polls indicate that 80% of voters support Labour’s new ‘opening mystery box’ policy.

Although they’ve been critical of his performance as a Minister, senior Labour figures are happy to have Joyce aboard. Up and coming MP Grant Robertson has welcomed him to the Labour team. Appearing in a ten page photo shoot in New Idea magazine, Robertson praised Joyce’s understanding of media strategy and coyly played down recent rumours that the Wellington Central MP had fathered four love children with four different Shortland Street actresses.

Joyce will also make National’s reckless spending on roading infrastructure a central issue during the election. ‘What dirty deals were done to justify borrowing billions of dollars to spend on roads that go nowhere? These are the questions that the National Party will have to explain to the people of New Zealand.’

In the interests of party balance, Labour has traded Joyce for Dunedin South MP Clare Curran, and she’s believed to be behind the Prime Minister’s shock announcement that he will conduct the remainder of his campaign in virtual reality environment Second Life, and prefix every single word he speaks with the letter ‘i’.

The Prime Minister’s fairy-winger avatar commented on the new strategy when he addressed an online press conference of goblins, virtual journalists and the National Party Cosplay Association this afternoon.

‘iI imay ihave imade a ihuge imistake,’ Key said.

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21 Comments »

  1. briliant

    Comment by helmet — July 30, 2011 @ 10:18 am

  2. And technically, ‘a’ is a letter and doesn’t need to be prefixed with an i.

    Comment by Dizzy — July 30, 2011 @ 11:00 am

  3. I loved the last bit. Curran totally treats new media like that: in a fadish, vacuous manner.

    Comment by Philoff — July 30, 2011 @ 11:24 am

  4. “National Party Cosplay Association” Argh! Penguin suits maybe?

    Nice work.

    Comment by The Double Standard — July 30, 2011 @ 11:42 am

  5. Fantastic, far more entertaining than the Nation so far.

    Comment by IHStewart — July 30, 2011 @ 11:55 am

  6. Joyce the dirty old dog, any excuse to get close to Annette.

    Comment by will — July 30, 2011 @ 11:59 am

  7. This strategy is a great idea. Perhaps the Greens may like to do the same for Act.

    Comment by Bea — July 30, 2011 @ 12:12 pm

  8. “‘Previously the role of the media communications team was to communicate their hatred of the media to the rest of the party. We’ve re-tooled that, and the focus is now on communicating party policies to the media. Likewise, Labour’s polling team will now canvas the public on their feelings towards Labour, rather than the other way around,’ Joyce said.”

    The best humour starts with a truth!

    Comment by BenLW — July 30, 2011 @ 12:56 pm

  9. Love it

    Comment by Trevor Mallard — July 30, 2011 @ 1:20 pm

  10. Bea, ACT is one endangered species the Green Party will not be marching to save

    Comment by Kahikatea — July 30, 2011 @ 1:30 pm

  11. Is Labour playing shirts or skin?

    Comment by taranaki — July 30, 2011 @ 2:55 pm

  12. Awesome. The best post of the new election season.

    For those keeping score at home, this is the best post of ANY election season… dimpost.wordpress.com/2008/11/01/dim-post-party-profile-new-zealand-first/

    Comment by J Mex — July 30, 2011 @ 4:03 pm

  13. Argh, edit….

    This one

    Comment by J Mex — July 30, 2011 @ 4:09 pm

  14. John Ansell has dropped a bombshell here…

    http://johnansell.wordpress.com/2011/07/28/treaty-corruption-confession-researcher-forced-to-rewrite-repor-to-fit-official-anti-pakeha-myth/#comment-1313

    The Maorification of NZ is not some fantasy after all it seems…

    Comment by James (the actual one) — July 30, 2011 @ 4:42 pm

  15. I actually think almost every political party in NZ would benefit from having an effective and strategic thinker (like Joyce but maybe the Greens would need somebody less evil) come in and do a major review of the party’s structures and suggest how they could work more effectively.

    Comment by Amy — July 30, 2011 @ 7:59 pm

  16. James, is Ansell actually paying you to linkwhore his beat up around the blogosphere, or are you doing it for altruistic purposes?

    Comment by Guy Smiley — July 30, 2011 @ 10:13 pm

  17. Read it…or not Guy.Stay ignorant if you want to but the rest of us like to make up our own minds.

    What’s the matter? Scared that you might be wrong?

    Comment by James (the actual one) — July 30, 2011 @ 10:48 pm

  18. Agree with Trev #17. Love it!

    Comment by DT — July 30, 2011 @ 11:42 pm

  19. Clare Curran is a fair trade. She is the virtual mastermind behind Red Alert.

    That site is actually run by some one called Spud.

    Comment by peterlepaysan — July 30, 2011 @ 11:42 pm

  20. re #16,

    If only someone could come up with a term for a person who enters a comment thread with an irrelevant observation intended solely to stir up angry responses. You’d think someone would a thunk of it …

    Comment by stevem — July 31, 2011 @ 9:41 am

  21. stevem, I thought it was a Great Clunking Fist?
    And speaking of global warming, we’ve had heaps of it the last couple ofdays in Wellington, I almost got sunburned yesterday.

    Comment by Clunking Fist — July 31, 2011 @ 5:30 pm


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