Government to crack down on Toby

If elected to a second term the National Government will introduce a series of harsh reforms to the welfare system targeting Toby, a twenty year old unemployment  beneficiary living in New Plymouth, Prime Minister John Key announced today.

The new policies directly target Toby’s lifestyle and will prevent him from staying up late and then sleeping in, playing Call of Duty on his playstation and wearing baggy clothing, Key told a regional National Party conference.

Critics of the reforms accuse the government of playing politics with Toby, who lives in a critical swing electorate. Recent polls of the region indicate voters rank their hatred of Toby higher than the issues of education, healthcare or economic performance.

According to policy documents released to the media, Toby has convictions for assaulting the manager of a bottle store, driving while under the influence, and disorderly conduct and he talks like he’s a black gangster from Detroit even though he’s just some piece of white trash from Stratford. He is widely suspected of scratching pictures of vaginas onto the paint-work of dozens of cars around the centre of New Plymouth, and is believed to be the tagger responsible for spray-painting ‘Toby or not Toby,’ onto the walls of hundreds of properties near his home.

Although none of National’s proposed policies will address these problems they will ‘wipe that stupid smirk off Toby’s loser face,’ Key said, to cheers and applause from party supporters.

A task-force led by former Treasury Secretary Murray Horn will monitor the outcomes of the reforms over an eighteen month period, and he will also try and convince Toby’s girlfriend Amanda that she is too good for him and that Toby is probably cheating on her.

The Horn Inquiry is budgeted at $1.25 million dollars, a sum that has drawn criticism from opposition MPs. Mr Key defends the cost, saying, ‘The reality is, first, that if you want someone of the calibre of Murray Horn then you have to pay an internationally competitive rate, and secondly, Amanda has beautiful eyes and her photography of cemeteries and abandoned farm buildings are amazing. Just about anyone would be better for her than that douchebag.’

Additional components of the package targetting Toby are:

• Amendments to the Bill of Rights Act restricting Toby from wearing any non-elastic banded trousers, specifically preventing him from wearing hipsters that show off his disgusting, hairy, acne-covered buttocks.
• A new WINZ department to enforce strict sleeping and waking schedule so that Toby is not lying around in bed when the rest of us are on our way to work, sitting in traffic or waiting for a bus in the rain. The actual enforcement of the schedule will be contracted out to community groups.
• These groups will also replace the metalcore songs on Toby’s iPod with a selection of tunes from Tim Finn, The Feelers and Hayley Westenra
• The government is also looking into policy settings that would destroy Toby’s collection of pornographic pirated DVDs.

‘It is wrong that while most ordinary New Zealanders are working hard, Toby is pleasuring himself while watching Russian amateurs,’ Key said.

Although the Prime Minister has described the hard-hitting reforms as ‘tough but necessary,’ he has backed away from more radical proposals

The Welfare Working Group was convened by Social Development Minister Paula Bennett to study welfare reform, and it looked into Toby in 2010, and recommended that his benefit payments be transferred to a community based private welfare provider who would receive a bonus if they drilled holes in Toby’s head and poured sulphuric acid into his brain.

Key has rejected this option, and Ms Bennett has also distanced herself from the Working Group’s findings. ‘The National Party has made a commitment not to torture any young people to death during our second term in office,’ she told reporters at a Parliamentary press conference.

The Labour Party has been reluctant to comment on the reforms, but vetern welfare activist Sue Bradford has slammed them as mindless and doomed to fail.

Bradford has also spoken out against Nationals’ reforms. ‘They also, are mindless.’

‘This slippery slope is the thin end of the wedge,’ Ms Bradford said, speaking from the lawn outside Toby’s state house, which is littered with beer cans and rusting car components.

‘I pledge to stand by Toby night and day and fight this disgusting regime.’

Toby made a brief phone statement yesterday in which he insisted he knew nothing of the new reforms but intended to vote for John Key and National in the upcoming election. ‘I saw a photo of him hanging with [All Blacks hooker] Andrew Hore, who is an awesome dude.’ Toby explained. ‘Taranaki kicks ass.’

Subsequent attempts to reach Toby proved unsuccessful. A spokesperson for Toby revealed that he’d moved out of New Plymouth, allegedly driven from his home by the sound of Sue Bradford singing protest songs and giving press conferences near his bedroom window. ‘Plus his girlfriend ran off with some old dude in a suit,’ the spokesman – a cracker asshole in a hoody named Mike – revealed.

Mike believed Toby had moved to Wellington to complete a Masters degree in public policy. Paula Bennet has denied speculation that this will negatively impact on National’s election chances, and refused to comment on rumours that she is now dating Toby.