The Dim-Post

November 10, 2008

Tizard dismisses ‘rogue election result’.

Filed under: Politics,satire — danylmc @ 11:21 am

Outgoing Auckland Central electorate MP Judith Tizard has assured staff and family that she will not be stepping down as an MP in spite of her loss to National Party candidate Nicky Kaye in last weekends General Election.

‘I certainly never heard anything about any election,’ Tizard told the Dim-Post this morning. ‘And if there was something like that going on I like to think I’d be one of the first to know.’

Upon being informed of the results Tizard was quick to dismiss their significance.

‘I don’t think this represents the true wishes of the people of New Zealand or the people of Auckland Central,’ Tizard said. ‘This is clearly a rogue election result with no real impact that the media is beating up in order to sell more papers.’

Tizard also confirmed that she would retain her role as an MP and Associate Minister for Arts and Culture no matter what the shape of the new government.

‘What on earth would I do for a living if I wasn’t an MP anymore?’ Tizard asked. ‘I’ve never heard anything so absurd.’

‘On top of everything else I have Sydney fashion week and the Cannes film festival coming up. How the hell would I pay for that if I wasn’t Associate Arts Minister?’

‘I really don’t think the voters have thought this through.’

Tizard has also confirmed that she will be maintaining her full contingent of staff and offices, rejecting the suggestion that she would now have to make her own dinner reservations and purchase her own plane tickets as ‘the worst kind of hate speech’.

Incoming National MP Nicky Kaye has advised she is negotiating a solution with Paliamentary Services, Tizard’s private secretary and an Armed Offenders unit.


  1. I seem to recall… either a previous election, or perhaps just a cabinet reshuffle, I was working at parliament and… I think it was Shipley’s office who barricaded themselves in (Ian Llewellyn may be able to remember the details if he sees this comment, maybe it was Williamson) and refused to move to the office that had been allocated.

    Can’t remember how it played out, but it was highly immature stuff.

    Comment by llew — November 10, 2008 @ 11:50 am

  2. there was another outgoing MP – can’t remember who – who turned up to Parliament after the 93 election to find their swipe card didn’t work and went mental. proves that too much Parliament is bad for your health

    Comment by Buggerlugs — November 10, 2008 @ 1:00 pm

  3. Social credit barricaded themselves in their offices at parliament once, and had pizza passed up by an improvised rope lift. But their media coverage was blown out of the water by another major event.

    Pretty weird though – weirder than their economic policy.

    Comment by malcolm — November 10, 2008 @ 3:29 pm

  4. Nikki. N I K K I. Nikki, Nikki, Nikki.

    Comment by The Penguin — November 10, 2008 @ 3:57 pm

  5. Heh heh heh … you’re evil – perceptive, but evil…

    Comment by Michael Stevens — November 11, 2008 @ 1:05 pm

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