Background: Policy analyst.
Portfolios: Finance and Infrastructure
Analysis: Rumoured to have tricked Key into thinking he is actually the National leaders butler, causing Key to let his guard down around his ambitious deputy.
Background: Taught woodwork; did your wife while you were away on a golfing holiday. Formerly National spokesperson for Maori affairs at which time he successfully counted to ten in Maori on the Holmes show.
Portfolios: Economic development. Energy and Resources. Shouting ‘that’s a bloody lie’ in the house.
Analysis: Is Gerry Brownlee.
Portfolios: Justice, SEO’s, Commerce, Law Commission, Chins.
Analysis: Power is ‘Dungeon Master’ of the long running National Party Dungeons and Dragons game and hinted that exclusion from the front bench could have had dire consequences for Key’s 9th level Druid.
Background: Was found in a basket left on Jim Bolger’s doorstep during a snow storm.
Portfolios: Health. State Services
Analysis: May have leadership issues with health ministry staff, who Ryall describes in the National health policy as ‘a gang of whores, fuckup’s and thieves.’
Dr Nick Smith:
Background: Civil engineering.
Portfolios: Environment. Climate Change. ACC.
Analysis: An exhaustive survey by Investigate Magazine has concluded that Dr Smith’s cock is not only the largest of any National MP, but also ‘the most pleasing to the eye’. It is not known if this was a factor in Key’s appointment.
Background: According to Wikipedia, Collins was formerly an American folk singer known for the stunning purity of her soprano voice and her outspoken left-wing activism.
Portfolios: Police, Corrections, Veteran’s Affairs
Analysis: Will struggle to overcome concern by party leaders and cabinet colleagues that Collin’s will menstruate all over confidential documents and burst into tears during select committee.
Background: Was deputy mayor of Napier. Some folks say she killed a man.
Portfolios: Education. Tertiary Education. ERO.
Analysis: Intends to spend first term in cabinet figuring out what ERO stands for.
Background: Barrister. Gay.
Portfolios: Attorney General, Treaty Negotiations, Arts and Culture
Analysis: Will bring extensive expertise in litigation and treaty settlements to role, also is totally a fag and isn’t even ashamed of it. Isn’t that amazing? Well good on him I say – as long as he isn’t trying to ram it down my throat what he does is his business. But still.
Portfolios: Agriculture. Duh.
Analysis: Too obscure to make jokes about.
Portfolios: Foreign Affairs. Sport. Rugby World Cup.
Analysis: Was probably just a big coincidence that McCully’s time as National election strategist saw his party spend nine years in opposition, I’m sure he’ll be a great diplomatic envoy.
Background: Diplomat and trade negotiator.
Portfolios: Trade negotiations. Conservation.
Analysis: Heh heh heh. Groser!
Background: Highly successful career in commercial radio; also had lucrative parallel job impersonating New Zealand Herald finance editor Brian Fallow at children’s parties.
Portfolios: Transport. Comms/IT
Analysis: Key was impressed by Joyce’s management of National’s election campaign, also by the integrity, loyalty and quick thinking he showed in disposing of the body of a Canadian hitchhiker Key accidentally ran over last Christmas.