The Dim-Post

November 20, 2008

The new National Cabinet

Filed under: Uncategorized — danylmc @ 9:00 am

2billenglishBill English
Background: Policy analyst.
Portfolios: Finance and Infrastructure
Analysis: Rumoured to have tricked Key into thinking he is actually the National leaders butler, causing Key to let his guard down around his ambitious deputy.


Gerry Brownlee
Background: Taught woodwork; did your wife while you were away on a golfing holiday. Formerly National spokesperson for Maori affairs at which time he successfully counted to ten in Maori on the Holmes show.
Portfolios: Economic development. Energy and Resources. Shouting ‘that’s a bloody lie’ in the house.
Analysis: Is Gerry Brownlee.

Simon Power
Background: Lawyer.
Portfolios: Justice, SEO’s, Commerce, Law Commission, Chins.
Analysis: Power is ‘Dungeon Master’ of the long running National Party Dungeons and Dragons game and hinted that exclusion from the front bench could have had dire consequences for Key’s 9th level Druid.

5tonyryallTony Ryall
Background: Was found in a basket left on Jim Bolger’s doorstep during a snow storm.
Portfolios: Health. State Services
Analysis: May have leadership issues with health ministry staff, who Ryall describes in the National health policy as ‘a gang of whores, fuckup’s and thieves.’

Dr Nick Smith:
Background: Civil engineering.
Portfolios: Environment. Climate Change. ACC.
Analysis: An exhaustive survey by Investigate Magazine has concluded that Dr Smith’s cock is not only the largest of any National MP, but also ‘the most pleasing to the eye’. It is not known if this was a factor in Key’s appointment.

7judithcollins1Judith Collins
Background: According to Wikipedia, Collins was formerly an American folk singer known for the stunning purity of her soprano voice and her outspoken left-wing activism.
Portfolios: Police, Corrections, Veteran’s Affairs
Analysis: Will struggle to overcome concern by party leaders and cabinet colleagues that Collin’s will menstruate all over confidential documents and burst into tears during select committee.

Ann Tolley
Background: Was deputy mayor of Napier. Some folks say she killed a man.
Portfolios: Education. Tertiary Education. ERO.
Analysis: Intends to spend first term in cabinet figuring out what ERO stands for.

9christopherfinlayson1Chris Finlayson
Background: Barrister. Gay.
Portfolios: Attorney General, Treaty Negotiations, Arts and Culture
Analysis: Will bring extensive expertise in litigation and treaty settlements to role, also is totally a fag and isn’t even ashamed of it. Isn’t that amazing? Well good on him I say – as long as he isn’t trying to ram it down my throat what he does is his business. But still.

David Carter
Background: Farming
Portfolios: Agriculture. Duh.
Analysis: Too obscure to make jokes about.

11murraymccullyMurray McCully
Background: Lawyer.
Portfolios: Foreign Affairs. Sport. Rugby World Cup.
Analysis: Was probably just a big coincidence that McCully’s time as National election strategist saw his party spend nine years in opposition, I’m sure he’ll be a great diplomatic envoy.

Tim Groser
Background: Diplomat and trade negotiator.
Portfolios: Trade negotiations. Conservation.
Analysis: Heh heh heh. Groser!

14stephenjoyce_01Steven Joyce
Background: Highly successful career in commercial radio; also had lucrative parallel job impersonating New Zealand Herald finance editor Brian Fallow at children’s parties.
Portfolios: Transport. Comms/IT
Analysis: Key was impressed by Joyce’s management of National’s election campaign, also by the integrity, loyalty and quick thinking he showed in disposing of the body of a Canadian hitchhiker Key accidentally ran over last Christmas.


  1. Wickedly funny, but you missed some out

    Comment by adamsmith1922 — November 20, 2008 @ 10:31 am

  2. Actually I just ran out of jokes.

    Comment by danylmc — November 20, 2008 @ 12:14 pm

  3. Power is ‘Dungeon Master’ of the long running National Party Dungeons and Dragons game and hinted that exclusion from the front bench could have had dire consequences for Key’s 9th level Druid.

    Key plays a druid?

    That explains everything.

    Comment by Idiot/Savant — November 20, 2008 @ 12:54 pm

  4. I think you are a little kind to Gerry Brownlee, he is more likely to ‘do’ the contents of your fridge while you are away than ‘your wife’.

    And what about our new speaker – quiz master Lockwood, I know he is not in cabinet but surely there is a rich vane of humour to be mined there.

    Comment by Ieuan — November 20, 2008 @ 3:45 pm

  5. “And what about our new speaker – quiz master Lockwood, I know he is not in cabinet but surely there is a rich vane of humour to be mined there.”

    Wait for “question time” and your starter for 3.

    Comment by llew — November 20, 2008 @ 4:44 pm

  6. I suspect there will be a new Standing Order that all oral questions must start with a W.

    Comment by Guy Smiley — November 20, 2008 @ 7:56 pm

  7. According to the Internet Selwyn Toogood hosted W3, while Lockwood Smith was on It’s Academic.

    I could be wrong though, wikipedia says they both hosted both shows and IMDB reckons neither show ever existed, which is all very Zen.

    Sorry to go off-topic but the wikipedia page on Selwyn Toogood is disappointing, maybe someone interested could flesh it out a little.

    Comment by gazzaj — November 20, 2008 @ 9:58 pm

  8. I’m 99% sure I remember Lockwoody from W3 when I was a kid.

    Comment by twr — November 21, 2008 @ 3:16 pm

  9. Tom Beard was on W3 & confirms Lockwood asked the questions.

    Comment by llew — November 21, 2008 @ 3:19 pm

  10. Dr Richard Worth: Staff at Internal Affairs, Archives New Zealand and National Library have a severe crise de morale, following the ComPost’s report the Dr Worth is a loser in taking on these portfoolios…

    Comment by Leopold — November 21, 2008 @ 10:21 pm

  11. Um portfolios – oh hell let it stand

    Comment by Leopold — November 21, 2008 @ 10:22 pm

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