The Dim-Post

February 23, 2009

Collins challenges Corrections CEO to knife fight in showers

Filed under: Politics,satire — danylmc @ 1:51 pm

Frustrated with his refusal to resign after a damning Auditor General’s report,  Minister of Corrections Judith Collins has called upon Corrections CEO Barry Matthews to meet with her and senior advisers from her Ministerial office. The meeting is scheduled to take place after lock down in the shower rooms located in Parliament’s beehive annex.

Collins has announced that she believes that the meeting will resolve the ongoing dispute between herself and Matthews ‘in a timely manner,’ telling reporters that she intended to make clear to Matthews the reality of the situation and the untenable nature of his position and also to cut him until he cries like a little bitch.

Barry Matthews has accepted his Minister’s invitation and stated that he looked forward to a free and frank exchange of views with Collins. Matthews is confident of his track record within Corrections and insists that that the upcoming SSC investigation will clear his name.

‘There has been a significant increase in the performance of the parole service during the eight month period after the Auditor General’s report,’ Matthews said. ‘Also if Crusher thinks I’m going to get cut then she all high and shit because she the one going to get cut with a vengeance.’

Matthews added that he looked forward to working constructively with Collins in future, even though he was going to make her bleed out like a butchered sow and wear her ears on a necklace as a warning to future cabinet Ministers.

Sources within the National Party suggest that Collins will be fighting with a long thin shard of broken security glass, honed to a razor edge with masking tape bound around one end to form a handle, with the blade smeared with the fecal matter of an hepatitis positive backbench MP. A spokesperson for Collins denied the rumour, pointing out that the use of a contaminated weapon violated the strict Cabinet Manual rules governing senior Ministers and shower-room knife-fights.

Political commentators consider the match to be evenly fought: Matthews is bigger and has a larger reach than his Minister but Collins’ skin is a tattood mass of scar tissue that will be difficult for the embattled public servant’s ceramic box-cutter coated with rat-poison to penetrate.


  1. What odds are they giving? Put me down for 10 bucks on the Crusher, please…

    Comment by macdoctor01 — February 23, 2009 @ 2:17 pm

  2. Best satirical preview of a fictitious knife fight… ever.

    50p on Matthews for tapping into Dolph Lundgren in Universal Soldier.

    Comment by pbmcbeth — February 23, 2009 @ 2:36 pm

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