The Dim-Post

June 24, 2009

Key confident Gandalf will save economy

Filed under: Politics,satire,Uncategorized — danylmc @ 5:19 pm

Gandalf is rumoured to have clashed with Finance Minister Bill English over the validity of the Efficient Market Hypothesis

Responding to attacks by opposition MPs in the Labour Party about poor economic performance and rising unemployment the Prime Minister today insisted that the New Zealand economy was seeing ‘green shoots’ and that he was confident robust tourism numbers, a strong export market and the wisdom and magical powers of Gandalf the Grey would return New Zealand to a position of strong economic growth in the second half of 2009.

‘I have complete confidence in both the people of New Zealand and Gandalf,’ Key announced this morning while speaking to a meeting of manufacturers and industrialists in Onehunga. ‘And while normally members of the Istari do not intervene in human affairs they may do so in certain desperate circumstances.’

‘If the need is there Gandalf can and will take a more direct role, as we saw during the Battle of Five Armies and the assault on the Necromancer’s stronghold in Dol Guldur and I believe he will do so again given our current debt to GDP ratio.’

The Prime Minister took questions from the press after his speech but refused to give details on when Gandalf would intervene, saying ‘I do not wish to gainsay the Grey wizard but economic fundamentals such as unemployment, a stagnant property market and private borrowing levels are clearly dire enough to warrant his personal involvement.’

Labour were quick to criticise the Prime Minister’s plan with Labour finance spokesperson David Cunliffe casting doubts on Gandalf’s fiscal experience and credibility on financial matters, although he was quick to distance himself from Green Party leader Russel Norman who has repeatedly alleged that Gandalf is only a character in a book and does not actually exist.

‘It is the position of the Labour Party that Gandalf is not qualified to take a direct role in setting macro-economic policy, however we have the greatest respect for him on a personal level and condemn the Green Party’s baseless slurs against the hero of  Helm’s Deep. We call upon Dr Norman and the Prime Minister to apologise to Gandalf for involving him in such petty political gameplaying.’

Key dismissed the opposition attacks, saying, ‘if Labour had not run down our economy through overtaxation and overspending then they would not have put Gandalf in this difficult position.’

Key has responded cautiously to suggestions that the wise yet mysterious wizard might send him personally on an epic quest.

‘I’m not sure how that would work with my responsibilities as Prime Minister, nor do I accept that any member of the Council of the Wise has authority to send me on a quest,’ Key said, before acknowledging that both Thorin and Aragorn effectively served under Gandalf during the Journey to the Lonely Mountain and the War of the Ring, respectively. ‘To that I would say that my position is somewhat different to Strider’s since neither he or Thorin were functioning as heads of government during their time with Gandalf.’

In response to further questioning the Prime Minister refined his position, saying. ‘Look, if directly called upon to embark on an adventure I would probably go. You have to look at the specifics. If I were to be accompanied by Gandalf himself and any high elves then probably, yes, but if it was going to just be some dwarves and a bunch of hobbits then that would not be a high priority quest for me.’ ‘

Key would not be drawn on any specific actions he hoped Gandalf would take.

‘Obviously any help on Gandalf’s part would be appreciated but if the Great Eagles were involved  – possibly by somehow lowering our currency value to strengthen an export led recovery – then that would be ideal. Gwaihir and the Eagles are awesome. Failing that Gandalf could use Narya, his Ring of Power to promote job growth without contributing to an inflationary wage increase. Not many people know Gandalf himself is a ring-bearer.’

Gandalf could not be reached for comment.


  1. the Necromancers stronghold in Murkwood

    That would be, “the Necromancer’s stronghold in Mirkwood.”

    ‘though possibly you are making a subtle point about Mr Key which has just whooshed straight over my pedantic head.

    Comment by Deborah — June 24, 2009 @ 5:46 pm

  2. […] See the original post here: Key confident Gandalf will save economy « The Dim-Post […]

    Pingback by Key confident Gandalf will save economy « The Dim-Post — June 24, 2009 @ 8:18 pm

  3. “the Necromancer’s stronghold in Murkwood.”

    Isn’t that a suburb in Orewa?

    Comment by George D — June 24, 2009 @ 8:33 pm

  4. I’d been thinking about this on my way home and decided Dol Guldur was a bit funnier.

    Comment by danylmc — June 24, 2009 @ 8:36 pm

  5. Better than the Tooth Fairy! 🙂

    Comment by vibenna — June 24, 2009 @ 8:43 pm

  6. Once again you’ve outdone yourself….. although would I be wrong in thinking that the Prime Minister would prefer to call on Gandalf the White? He seems like a much more level-headed sort of wizard and better suited to taming the dreaded twin deficits wrecking havoc in Aotearoa….

    Comment by pbmcbeth — June 25, 2009 @ 12:10 am

  7. I’d been thinking about this on my way home and decided Dol Guldur was a bit funnier.


    Comment by Deborah — June 25, 2009 @ 12:41 am

  8. This is a classic.

    Those eagles are awesome though.

    Comment by Guy Smiley — June 25, 2009 @ 5:22 am

  9. “In response to further questioning the Prime Minister refined his position, saying. ‘Look, if directly called upon to embark on an adventure I would probably go. You have to look at the specifics. If I were to be accompanied by Gandalf himself and any high elves then probably, yes, but if it was going to just be some dwarves and a bunch of hobbits then that would not be a high priority quest for me.’”

    I lol’d.

    Comment by Sam Finnemore — June 25, 2009 @ 9:16 am

  10. Superb!

    Comment by Gareth — June 25, 2009 @ 11:16 am

  11. That really does sound like how he’d say it.

    Comment by StephenR — June 25, 2009 @ 12:58 pm

  12. ““the Necromancer’s stronghold in Murkwood.”

    Isn’t that a suburb in Orewa?”

    The necromancer was in the process of buying his stronghold off his State landlord.

    Comment by llew — June 25, 2009 @ 1:07 pm

  13. you’re accusing him of dissing hobbits! I’m sure his advisors would tell him that dissing hobbits is ‘not the Kiwi way’

    Comment by kahikatea — June 25, 2009 @ 1:20 pm

  14. I’m sick in bed, so I lolled as I lol’d.

    Comment by Clunking Fist — June 25, 2009 @ 1:47 pm

  15. Is the Dark Tower eligible for the Home Insulation Scheme?

    Comment by andrew — June 25, 2009 @ 3:38 pm

  16. I’ll have you know that the National Party has a lot of respect for Hobbits, as their coalition partners.

    Comment by George D — June 25, 2009 @ 5:41 pm

  17. Is it true that Gimli is actually the leader of the Act Party?

    And is Jeanette Fitzsimmon retired with Radagast the Brown?

    And did you really want lots of LOTR nerds descending with in-jokes or was this a subtle hope that The Hobbit when it finally gets released will provide a fresh tourism influx to save the country?

    Comment by pkiwi — June 25, 2009 @ 10:07 pm

  18. Maybe a bit of both?

    One does not simply cycle into Mordor.

    Comment by Sam Finnemore — June 26, 2009 @ 9:48 am

  19. John Key is in a relationship with a homosexual wizard?

    Comment by Shunda barunda — June 26, 2009 @ 11:59 pm

  20. Did you Get Aragons Latest Press release?

    ‘Aragon, King of Gondor, was dismayed, with comments by Russel Norman that Gandalf was a fictional character. “While I have much respect for the green party’s propensity to ban things, and I appreciate that Gandalf, has dangerously liberal ecconomic tendancies, to acuse the wizzard who has done great things for middle earth, of non existance is going too far” said the king who is known for his authoritarian tendancies, having banned all humans from the shire.’

    Comment by Tom — June 27, 2009 @ 11:09 am

  21. yeah, but he’s just saying that because he doesn’t like humans

    Comment by kahikatea — June 27, 2009 @ 11:40 am

  22. Aragon is a Human himself, he infact was included in the ban, he met his hobbit chums at the border. (If I remember correctly)

    Comment by Tom — June 27, 2009 @ 11:43 am

  23. Gandalf was not available for comment on Russel Normans slanderous accusations, between his new 9 day working fortnight and his voluntary efforts to get the hobbits onto the government new “Mcdonalds for the dole” scheme he has asked his P.A. to let all media know that he is simply too busy, they quoted him as saying “It’s not like I can just MAGICALLY make time to talk to everyone, im not a freaking WIZARD for gods sake”

    However rumours indicate that Gandalfs true reason for extended absences has been a trip (on the national party’s travel expense budget which is now uncapped) to the land of OZ to wisit Kevin Rudd (the wizard of OZ). Topics on the agenda for discussion in these meeting include a donations of

    1. A heart for Crusher Collins
    2. Courage for Bill English
    3. A brain for John Key himself

    Gandlafs representatives also indicated a possible request of a personality for Phil Goff, but also admitted they doubted that the resources were there to construct something that has never before exsisted.

    Comment by Liam — June 29, 2009 @ 8:36 am

  24. Brilliant!

    Comment by Phil (not Goff) — June 29, 2009 @ 12:59 pm

  25. Isn’t John Key Batman? He’s just waiting for the searchlight bat signal to illuminate the skies and he’ll suddenly look after the poor instead of the rich… honest.

    Comment by Andre — June 29, 2009 @ 11:15 pm

  26. well now you are just entering the realms of fantasy

    Comment by Liam — July 13, 2009 @ 12:23 pm

  27. Well done sir.

    Comment by Sam Finnemore — July 13, 2009 @ 2:05 pm

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