The Dim-Post

November 14, 2011


Filed under: Politics,satire — danylmc @ 3:02 pm

Scene. INTERIOR. DAY. JOHN KEY, a Prime Minister, sits at a window table in the URBAN CAFE. JOHN BANKS, a fool, enters.

BANKS: (Placing two teacups on the table). Here’s your tea John.

KEY: Thanks John. (He picks up a tea-spoon, dips it into the cup and swirls the tea-bag around.)

BANKS: Sad about Allan Peachey.

KEY: Very sad.

BANKS: Makes you think, John.

KEY: Yes.

BANKS: Makes you wonder what it’s all about. What we’re doing here. Why there’s so much hatred and intolerance in the world, given the brief time we all have together. Why kind of society we want to leave  . . .

KEY: Wait. Wait. (He’s looking at the label on the teabag.) John? What the hell is this?

BANKS: (Grins, a little nervous) What?

KEY: (Indicating the teabag.) This. What the hell do you call this? What the fuck have you done?

BANKS: What? I haven’t . . .

KEY: Is this some kind of joke?

BANKS: Joke? What? I haven’t done anything. No joke.

KEY: No joke? What kind of tea did I ask for John?

BANKS: Raspberry tea. That’s what I ordered. That’s what you’ve got.

KEY: That’s what I’ve got?

BANKS: That’s what you’ve got.

KEY: (Turning the teabag around to face Banks). Read this out for me. Maybe I’m an idiot. Maybe I’m not reading it right. Does this say ‘raspberry tea?’

BANKS: (Leaning forward to read out the small print on the teabag label). Raspberry tea with echinacea. It’s raspberry tea. It’s what you asked for.

KEY: (Nodding, sucking at his teeth.) No John. This is not what I asked for. I asked you for one. Simple. Thing. I asked for raspberry tea. And you give me this.

BANKS: It’s raspberry tea!

KEY: (Slapping the table, making the crockery jump, spilling tea). It’s bullshit! Did I ask for echinacea?

BANKS: That’s the only raspberry tea they had! It only comes with echinacea!

KEY: Only comes with echinacea? What the fuck are you talking about? It’s dried raspberry leaves. You soak them in water. You have to go out of your way to get the echinacea in there. Now you’re telling me it only comes with echinacea? You think I’m that stupid?

BANKS: It’s still raspberry tea. It’s just that here – in this cafe – you only get it with the echinacea. It’s no big deal.

KEY:No big deal. (Key laughs, smooths back his hair.) Let me ask you something John. If I give you water with coffee in it, did I give you water? Or coffee? Are they the same thing? Or is one different from the other? If you ask for water but get coffee is it no big deal?

BANKS: It’s not the same thing. Echinacea doesn’t taste of anything. It’s just a herb. It doesn’t change the flavor.

KEY: If it doesn’t change the flavor then why is it in there?

BANKS: I don’t . . .

KEY: Boy, you must think I’m a real fucking idiot. You must stand around with Don and just laugh. That John Key, he’ll just swallow anything we give him.

BANKS: John, it’s not like that. It’s still raspberry tea. It tastes like raspberry. The echinacea is just, like, a dilute herb.  It makes the tea more, um, effective. It’s supposed to prevent colds.

KEY: You think I don’t know that?

BANKS: I assume . . .

KEY: You think I became head of forex at Merrills, made $50 million dollars and became Prime Minister because I’m a fucking half-wit who doesn’t know what echinacea is? I know what it is, John. I just don’t want to drink it in my raspberry tea. Well I am not a half-wit. Kiss Epsom goodbye, John. I hope you like gardening.

BANKS: John, no. I’m sorry. You’re right. I apologise. I was an idiot.

KEY: You were an idiot. That’s your excuse?

BANKS: I was. I really . . . I’ve been working too hard. This campaign . . .

KEY: Yeah. Well you can stop worrying about that. The campaign is over for you. Goodbye John. You’re finished. I don’t work with idiots. I don’t go into coalition with them, and I definitely don’t have idiots serving in my Cabinet as government Ministers.

Key stands and buttons his jacket. Banks stares off in the distance in shock, but as he processes those last words this fades to a grin of realisation. As it does so, Key’s stern countenance turns into a sly smile.

BANKS: You fucking bastard.

KEY: (Slapping Banks’ shoulder). I had you. I had you.

BANKS:I knew you were shitting me.

KEY: I had you. I went too far at the end there.

BANKS: No, I was just playing along.

KEY: I’m not sure about your ability to stand up to questions in the House there, John.

BANKS: Ha ha.

KEY: You may fold under intense questioning.

BANKS: Ha ha.

KEY: Send me an email when you’re back in government, John. I’ll make you associate Minister of something.

BANKS: Cheers John.


  1. I don’t work with idiots. I don’t go into coalition with them, and I definitely don’t have idiots serving in my Cabinet as government Ministers.


    Comment by Idiot/Savant — November 14, 2011 @ 3:09 pm

  2. Thank you. That was awesome.

    Comment by max — November 14, 2011 @ 3:38 pm

  3. BRAVO.

    Dadhood has brought back your satirical edge.

    A few more kids and you’ll be able to monetize this.

    Comment by rob Hosking — November 14, 2011 @ 4:09 pm

  4. Brings back uncanny echoes of `Pulp Fiction’ (or any Tarantino dialogue)

    Comment by Leopold — November 14, 2011 @ 4:13 pm

  5. “FUNNY HOW??”

    Comment by max — November 14, 2011 @ 4:55 pm

  6. Poor John B, taking twenty years to go from being a Minister to an Associate Minister. Not what I’d call career progression.

    Comment by Hugh — November 14, 2011 @ 4:58 pm

  7. so the contents of the tape have been released, its worse than we thought for echinacea importers I can’t believe he fell for Banks’s ploy.

    Comment by tawhaowhao — November 14, 2011 @ 5:06 pm

  8. Brings back uncanny echoes of `Pulp Fiction’ (or any Tarantino dialogue)

    I was thinking more like Guy Ritchie…

    Scene. INTERIOR. DAY. JOHN KEY, a Prime Minister, sits in 9th floor office with STEVEN JOYCE.

    KEY: Steve, I don’t have anything to do with Epsom, normally. But, if it is polling as he [BANK] says it is, I’ll give him three and a half thousand votes… that’s if it is polling how he says it is. I don’t want to see him after a single cuppa. I don’t want to touch him after a single cuppa. I’ll leave him in your capable hands. You work out the details, but let me get this straight: If the tea turns out to be sour, I ain’t the kind of pussy who will drink it. Know what I mean?

    Comment by Phil — November 14, 2011 @ 5:12 pm

  9. I would say the nearest cinematic equivalent is the “You think I’m a funny guy? That I’m here to amuse you?”-scene in “Goodfellas”. Joe Pesci as John Key. Ray Liotta as John Banks.

    Comment by uke — November 14, 2011 @ 5:27 pm

  10. I originally thought Pinter. Then David Mamet. Got a bit Roger Hall at the end there, but.

    Oh yes … I went there.

    Comment by Andrew Geddis — November 14, 2011 @ 5:28 pm

  11. Why are you wasting your time on a blog?
    This is shakespearean.
    But that may not be the right word.
    It is an allegory better than C S Lewis.

    Comment by Matthew Hooton — November 14, 2011 @ 6:06 pm

  12. Another version of the transcript:

    Comment by jj — November 14, 2011 @ 6:15 pm

  13. I originally thought Pinter. Then David Mamet. Got a bit Roger Hall at the end there, but.

    Oh yes … I went there.

    I’m guessing at least part of it was inspired by this famous scene from Swimming with Sharks involving Kevin Spacey, a hapless intern and a packet of Equal “sugar”.

    Regardless, great effort, as always, Danyl. If a little disturbing.

    Comment by Matthew Littlewood — November 14, 2011 @ 6:46 pm

  14. I originally thought Pinter. Then David Mamet. Got a bit Roger Hall at the end there, but.

    Oh yes … I went there.

    I should add I in no way endorse Andrew Geddis’s comments above. Well, the last part anyway.

    Comment by Matthew Littlewood — November 14, 2011 @ 6:48 pm

  15. It’s also possibly inspired by this classic scene from Goodfellas

    But even more frightening that that, obviously.

    (Also, when are you going to add an edit/preview post option, Danyl?🙂 )

    Comment by Matthew Littlewood — November 14, 2011 @ 6:57 pm

  16. Wonderful, Danyl. You are providing the only real laughs of the campaign.

    Comment by Tinakori — November 14, 2011 @ 7:21 pm

  17. This is why the Dimpost is the only election coverage I’m paying attention to this time around

    Comment by gazzaj — November 14, 2011 @ 7:56 pm

  18. OMG! No wonder Slippery John does not want this published and the camera man prosecuted.

    This information is Sooooooooo important he has to hide it and distract from it.

    Why is slippery John wanting to become squeaky clean John?

    Nothing to hide? Then publish and be damned.

    Yeah right!

    Comment by peterlepaysan — November 14, 2011 @ 8:21 pm

  19. The Two Johnnies…

    Key: “It’s goodnight from me…”
    Banks: “And it’s goodnight from him.”

    Comment by DeepRed — November 14, 2011 @ 8:54 pm

  20. I suppose echinacea is a kinda spice, sort of…. and it would fit on the handy spice rack John built….

    Comment by bob — November 14, 2011 @ 9:59 pm

  21. release the tape next Sunday after a week of speculation goddammit!

    Comment by Cnr Joe — November 15, 2011 @ 7:31 am

  22. I imagine the tape will be quite boring.

    JK: God the media are a rabble. Look at them slavering over the windows.
    JB: Look at that little prick smirking at us it”s almost as if he can read our lips.

    JB: You’ve got to understand Keysie that Don has started losing his marbles and the sooner we set him loose the better. You and I both know you need me nationally and locally to keep that face smacking fool Brown in check.
    JK: (yawns) Yes John. Hey look at that journmo, the smirking one, he’s got queer eyes.


    Comment by — November 15, 2011 @ 8:39 am

  23. “I hope you like gardening” Classic

    Comment by Betty — November 15, 2011 @ 9:15 am

  24. Tail wagging the dog indeed

    Comment by NN — November 15, 2011 @ 12:10 pm

  25. gold

    Comment by Clunking Fist — November 16, 2011 @ 1:48 pm

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