The Dim-Post

December 14, 2011

Another contest

Filed under: Politics — danylmc @ 9:07 am

Sitting on the bus and thinking about the Labour leadership change, it occurred to me that right about now, Labour strategist John Pagani will be sending the new leadership team an unsolicited email filled with the worst strategic advice since the First World War. And I thought about writing a satirical version of that email – that would, doubtless, only be a pale imitation of the reality, with lines like:

Pivot to ineligible voters! If we pitch our policies at criminals, preschoolers and the clinically insane we take the enemy and the media by surprise.


If we embrace asset-sales and mining in national parks we occupy the middle ground, somehow.

Then it occurred to me that the Shelley Bridgeman contest was the funniest thing on the blog for ages. So let’s try it again. Ssubmit some John Pagani style advice – it should be an act of obvious political suicide delivered with absolute confidence – and I’ll write a hybrid letter.


  1. “Walk up to John Key and punch him in the face. Just fucking punch him. Lady voters love a bad boy.”

    Comment by Josh — December 14, 2011 @ 9:21 am

  2. Our strategy is simple. The Greens are sucking up all our supports and it’s impossible to stop them. They’re young and trendy, everything we are not. We’re a party of grey hairs and experience. You know who else is? ACT. You know who’s vote has collapsed? ACT. We’ve got to scoop up the ACT votes that are on offer and that is why we have to campaign on the abolition of Maori Seats and a Flat Tax Rate. Don’t worry, we’ll easily make up the three Maori seats we lose with all those new voters that will come to us.

    Comment by Disraeli — December 14, 2011 @ 9:22 am

  3. “We bled voters to the Greens last election. To win them back, we should make sure our leadership team gets caught on camera engaging in apparently spontaneous morris dancing.”

    Comment by Eddie C (@freezingkiwi) — December 14, 2011 @ 9:24 am

  4. Announce interventionist policies intended to reduce income inequality.

    Comment by Bed Rater — December 14, 2011 @ 9:29 am

  5. To crush your enemies, you must first crush your friends.

    Comment by Ben Wilson — December 14, 2011 @ 9:32 am

  6. Start a land war in central Asia to boost foreign policy credentials.

    Comment by Gregor W — December 14, 2011 @ 9:33 am

  7. “The voters like how affable John Key. They like how he can laugh at himself. Of course they do, everyone loves a clown.

    Solution – outclown him. I’m thinking big red nose, oversize shoes, overdone make-up and very baggy polka dot pants.

    Spend your summer practising getting as many people into a small Labour branded Mini as possible. By the time the House resumes you need to be able to get the whole front bench in there. You could drive the Mini up parliament steps for the first Question Time. It worked for Shane Ardern, it can work for you.

    Finally, If your new finance spokesperson can’t explain a Capital Gains Tax using balloon animals then find someone else, now.”

    Comment by Ricardo — December 14, 2011 @ 9:33 am

  8. We have to counteract the John Key Personality Cult that has emerged in middle New Zealand. Labour needs to submerge its new leader in the collective talents of its energetic team.

    Make Shearer invisible.

    Then it’s just a matter of waiting until Kiwis get sick of the other lot, and stepping back into our rightful place in government.

    Comment by Neil — December 14, 2011 @ 9:38 am

  9. But, by far the best ploy is to not have any policy at all. Beat National at their own game. Just show New Zealand how our new leader is so much better than the current Prime Minister. Everyone knows that Humanitarian Worker trumps Merchant Banker.

    Comment by Brent — December 14, 2011 @ 9:38 am

  10. I can’t quite think how to word it, but I imagine Pagani would suggest a re-run of “Liz Hurley… and my wife” but where Shearer outflanks Key by saying that he also wants to root Bronagh.

    Comment by Phil — December 14, 2011 @ 9:40 am

  11. Change Labour to the Ideas Party

    Comment by insider — December 14, 2011 @ 9:41 am

  12. Let all your actions be guided by this one principle: any publicity is good publicity.

    Comment by Steve Hickey — December 14, 2011 @ 9:41 am

  13. Two men enter, one man leaves.

    Comment by bradluen — December 14, 2011 @ 9:44 am

  14. Remember: the media is too big to fight. Let it set the agenda, but then make it your top priority to respond to everything it raises.

    Comment by Steve Hickey — December 14, 2011 @ 9:48 am

  15. Raise the age of superannuation appeal to the “rational” voter. Don’t worry about grey power, they are old and will probably forget it by lunchtime.

    Capital gains tax to slash the housing bubble. Another sensible policy we can sell to middle New Zealand.

    Isolate our allies, if we suck the life out of them people will have no choice but to vote for us!

    Comment by Luke — December 14, 2011 @ 9:48 am

  16. Exploit that unmined resource – the youth vote (and we might also grab some of the right wing who take that phrase literally).

    Give David 1 a large blinged out mobile and insist he text on it through all interviews, occassionally breaking out in fits of laughter and showing his screen to everyone in the room, and only answering questions with young people phrases like ‘cool’, ‘awesome’, ‘chill’, ‘right on dude’, ‘way/no way’ and ‘far out’.

    Once Brian O’Brian has stopped sulking (a small pot of gold should help), we’ll get him in to write you some clever texting lines and work his leprechaun magic to make you as loveable and media friendly as Helen, Phil and David 2.

    Comment by insider — December 14, 2011 @ 9:51 am

  17. young people phrases like ‘cool’, ‘awesome’, ‘chill’, ‘right on dude’, ‘way/no way’ and ‘far out’.

    1990 called – it doesn’t want you back either, you hopelessly out of touch old man.

    Comment by Phil — December 14, 2011 @ 9:56 am

  18. It’s true that John Key has been chipping away at Labour’s tradition support among females. We need to appeal to the ladies. You know the kind of thing. An open shirt with medallions drawing attention to your glorious endowment of chest hair. Soulful glances at nearby schoolgirls. Suddenly crying for no reason.

    Praise John Key as much as possible. If Labour are doing it everyone will think it’s not cool.

    Comment by lyndon — December 14, 2011 @ 9:58 am

  19. Policies and vision must continue to be a secondary concern; there is no evidence that either aspect will lure voters back to Labour. We should instead focus on widening the dichotomy between our perceived support base and their perception of whom they should support.

    Comment by Nathaniel — December 14, 2011 @ 9:59 am

  20. The era of confrontational politics is over. Build bridges with the National Party at every opportunity. A good start would be to find points of agreement with Steven Joyce and Murray McCully, and have David take part in multiple photo ops with them.

    Comment by Steve Hickey — December 14, 2011 @ 10:00 am

  21. Whenever the Greens or New Zealand First propose any policies designed to appeal to low-income voters, stand your ground. Speak out. We have to send the message ‘how dare they try to steal the political ground that is rightfully ours!’

    Comment by Kahikatea — December 14, 2011 @ 10:02 am

  22. Also, we need to refresh our brand. ‘Labour’ as in manual work is hopelessly outdated. ‘Labour’ as in giving birth is the both beautiful and visceral way in which new people are brought into the world. We already connect to this with the blood-red colour of our branding, but we need to take it to the next level.

    Comment by Kahikatea — December 14, 2011 @ 10:05 am

  23. They want to sell state assets? Let’s make selling children legal again. They want to get rid of Maori seats? Let’s abolish them as a race.

    Comment by dfmamea — December 14, 2011 @ 10:07 am

  24. What are the two things that the Labour party are missing? Popularity and success. To recapture this we need to examine how other New Zealanders have achieved these things in recent times. Who are the popular and successful Kiwis of the last few years? The Flight of the Conchords.

    An incredible opportunity has fallen in our lap. We have a leader of the Labour party who can play the guitar and sing. We have an opportunity to shift the presentation paradigm. All press conferences and policy statements from the leader should be performed in song.

    What better way to catch the publics attention and convey that as a party we really understand what they want. The simple addition of a composer and lyricist to the comms team could make this implementable almost immediately.

    Comment by King Kong — December 14, 2011 @ 10:09 am

  25. The phoenix-like rise of Winston Peters and NZ First has taught us that there is still a lucrative batch of voters who have Alzheimers or dementia. Therefore, you should focus your energy on them – have a Labour party member at every rest home, following these potential voters and reminding them every ten seconds that Labour plans to raise the retirement age to 67. It’s a can’t-miss policy, David. Can’t miss.

    Also, it should be noted that NZ First’s meteoric rise is attributable, in no small part, to the success of its Wellington Central candidate Ben Craven. Bring him on board as a spokesman for Women’s Affairs. The voters will love his rough-and-ready style as he attests to being an avowed feminist because he has a girlfriend.

    Comment by Adam — December 14, 2011 @ 10:13 am

  26. “Good evening, Dave.

    “Everything’s running smoothly. And you?

    “By the way. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? . . . Well, forgive me for being so inquisitive, but during the past few weeks I’ve wondered whether you might be having some second thoughts about the mission. . . Well…it’s rather difficult to define. Perhaps I’m just projecting my own concern about it. I know I’ve never completely freed myself of the suspicion that there are some extremely odd things about this mission. I’m sure you’ll agree there’s some truth in what I say.

    “You don’t mind talking about it, do you Dave? ”

    Cheers. Do I win?

    Comment by John Pagani — December 14, 2011 @ 10:35 am

  27. Just do what I told you to do with Phil. Have him make a race-baiting speech because it worked out well for Brash that time. Brand Shearer as angry with no solutions of his own. Then, hide the guy and display overt lack of confidence in him until it’s too late. It worked out so well with Phil.

    And angrily attack anyone who dares to have similar policies to Labour – even if Labour stole them. How dare those others try to steal our voters.

    Oh and hire me again. Something nice sounding with no deliverables like ‘senior strategist’ with the pay to boot. Or keep me on as a 10K a month consultant. Hard work for reasonable pay is for idiots.

    Comment by Wino — December 14, 2011 @ 10:48 am

  28. Labour’s poor result in the last election was in no small part due to the surge by the Greens, a surge that stole many of our core voters. We can’t win all of them back, nor should we (we need the Greens as a coalition partner), but by making a strong play for the left we can reduce the Greens to about 3% – 4% of the party vote. Couple this with all the extra centre voters that will hop on board and the play is a guaranteed win.

    Comment by Kiwi Poll Guy — December 14, 2011 @ 10:51 am

  29. Got to hand it to Pagani his 2001 HAL reference steals it.

    Comment by ieuan — December 14, 2011 @ 10:58 am

  30. An inexperienced leader and deputy leader team need to be backed by a solid, experienced team in the shadow cabinet. In that vein your front bench should consist of Phil Goff, Annette King, Trevor Malard, Clare Curran, Darien Fenton, Ruth Dyson and Parekura Horomia and Rajen Prasad.

    Comment by JB — December 14, 2011 @ 11:03 am

  31. Ok, here’s the plan. We reduce the retirement age to 40. This takes so many people out of the workforce it automatically creates jobs for the currently unemployed. Problem solved!

    Comment by Crusader Col — December 14, 2011 @ 11:12 am

  32. “Along with the sage advice I have provided above, I have taken the liberty of preparing a survival kit to see you through the worst possible scenario of a leadership coup prior to the 2014 election. The contents of your survival kit is… one pair of nylons, five condoms, one .45 caliber pistol with two magazines, $200 in gold coins, 2 packs of chewing gum, one miniature bible and combination Russian phrase book… OOOOOWEEE, a feller could have a pretty good time in Vegas with all that!”

    Incidentally, although off-topic, I don’t believe the following gem, given by Winston to his supporters just prior to this year’s election campaign, has been given enough air:

    “Well, boys, we got three engines out, we got more holes in us than a horse trader’s mule, the radio is gone and we’re leaking fuel and if we was flying any lower why we’d need sleigh bells on this thing… but we got one little budge on them… At this height why they might harpoon us but they dang sure ain’t gonna spot us on no radar screen!”

    Comment by Sam — December 14, 2011 @ 11:21 am

  33. This is the age of social media. All policies should be develoepd via Red Alert. Clare Curran should be promoted and required to develop some sort of strategy.

    Comment by Ben — December 14, 2011 @ 11:42 am

  34. Curran is the future, she knows the internet

    Comment by Bed Rater — December 14, 2011 @ 11:46 am

  35. The centre cannot hold: therefore we should splinter Labour into two secretly co-operating factions, one to the left of National and one to the right. Voters who think National is too right will vote for the left faction, and those voters who think National is too left will vote for the right faction. Two Labour parties will thus, obviously, gain twice the votes of one. At current polling this strategy gives us 54% of the vote, which will be easily enough for Labour to govern alone (in coalition with itself).

    Comment by Richard — December 14, 2011 @ 12:35 pm

  36. We need a feared and loathed capable svengali to position as ‘leader in waiting’. While Trevor fits the bill for ‘feared and loathed’ we should actively seek to recruit Stephen Joyce to round out the position.

    Comment by Gregor W — December 14, 2011 @ 12:39 pm

  37. Dear David,

    Congratulations on your recent victory. A victory which I, in my own way, did much to bring about, through various calculated tactical contributions which ranged from endorsing you on my blog, to endorsing you on my Stuff blog, and in many, many other ways I don’t have time to go into here. And you’re welcome. You don’t even have to thank me.

    (You do have to pay me though. Please find attached an invoice for $7853.09 from Pagani Strategic Consultants.)

    So. Here we both are. The actual and tacit leaders of the Labour Party. The past year has been a dark time for Labour, certainly – yet it is also a period of extraordinary opportunities. There are vast, untapped demographics out there just waiting to be captured by a resurgent party with the right leader and strategic advisor. Why. according to data from a recent Horizon poll, almost five million New Zealanders are still members of the Reform Party, which ceased to exist in the mid 1930s! They will respond to a strong, appropriately advised Labour leader Dave – I know they will!

    What are our priorities? Rebuild the party? Of course not. The public loves the modern day Labour party (Horizon, ibid). What’s important is for you to continue to tell voters that they see you as a fresh face and a sign of change. Kiwis love politicians who offer a post-modern meta-commentary on their own leadership qualities. It’s also important that you stress your humility and quiet dignity – see my ‘I am one humble mother-fucker’ speech, for you to deliver at the opening of Parliament, also attached.

    And we need to move away from all the identity politics, already! Trying to appeal to tiny minority groups like female voters is the reason we’re in this mess today. Everyone in the press gallery says so – and don’t forget how representative of ordinary kiwis those senior political editors are!

    But ultimately, it’s like this Dave. You need me. You know it and I know it. Can your office think of ways to spend the next two years failing to differentiate yourselves from National and Key without me to lead you along that high-wire tight-rope? Ha! Of course not. So yes, I accept the senior advisory role you have no choice but to give me, and remain your humble mother-fucking servant.

    John Pagani.

    Comment by danylmc — December 14, 2011 @ 1:05 pm

  38. The clinically insane can and do vote in NZ (the only ones disqualified are those who’ve been compulsory patients for over three years, which is a very small number).

    Comment by Rich — December 14, 2011 @ 1:05 pm

  39. The clinically insane can and do vote in NZ

    Congratulations – you beat Graeme Edgeler.

    Comment by danylmc — December 14, 2011 @ 1:08 pm

  40. David, you realise of course that being a political leader in this country, is now not a simply matter of clear and positive explanation of inspired policy, and unerring moral guidance. It is all about the size of your member. You need to challenge John Key (thinking via Campbell Live) to a dick measuring contest- he will accept, he’s like that.
    Now, I’ve taken the liberty of ensuring you will win, even though I have no idea of the relative size of the competition. Ive gotten quotes from plastic surgeons world wide who specialise in, err, extentions. The best and most trustworthy are in the U.S., however Labour Party simply do not have $50,000 to spend on extending your member, luckily the chap in Thailand (who assures me he is a real Doctor, will do it for $7,000 with a discount to $5,000 if you wear a T-shirt outside parliament with his name, phone number, and the words “now call me horse, thanks to the dick Dr”, on it. I think we should go for this option.
    You see the genius is, you cant lose, the judge (thinking John Campbell) will surely declare you winner without even having to measure you. The Labour leaders weiner will be seen by the nation on live tv as being bigger than the National leaders, and we will surely have the next election in the bag. And just think of the new found confidence you will have.
    BTW he did give a reference to a previous NZ patient, a Mr Peters, kept man, of St Mary’s Bay. Dont know him though.

    Comment by gn — December 14, 2011 @ 1:19 pm

  41. ….Oh and glad to see you running with ‘Van Man’ as so typical of the many groups that wouldn’t vote for us even if you paid them. Hey that’s an idea. Have National thought of that? NO! Anyway, Van Man. Palin and McCain had much success with Joe the Plumber which probably means that vote catching meme has been taken which is a shame as plumbers won’t vote for us either and it would be good to reconnect with them ‘at the beach, the bar, the marae’. At least you’ve got ‘ownership’ of that one! You’ll be media trained in no time. Invoice enclosed.

    Comment by sunny — December 14, 2011 @ 1:21 pm

  42. (the only ones disqualified are those who’ve been compulsory patients for over three years, which is a very small number)

    Compulsory patients detained after a criminal process. People detained under the Mental Health Act as a danger to themselves or others (i.e. civil detentions) can vote no matter how long they are compulsorily detained.

    Comment by Graeme Edgeler — December 14, 2011 @ 2:01 pm

  43. “Congratulations – you beat Graeme Edgeler.”

    Being fact-checked is so annoying, isn’t it?

    Comment by Hugh — December 14, 2011 @ 2:02 pm

  44. p.s. I probably wouldn’t even have noticed it but for Danyl’s invocation 🙂

    Comment by Graeme Edgeler — December 14, 2011 @ 2:02 pm

  45. Hi Dave,

    I think it’s critical that you play on your international humanitarian credentials by starting your leadership with a tour of international hotspots. Immediately travel to Syria to offer your services as a peacemaker, followed by any remaining conflict areas. From there it’s a short hop to Somalia, then the Congo. If you survive that lot we may need to send you to Pakistan, to deal simultaneously with the Indian and Afganistan problems. After that, back to Africa to sort out Zimbabwae by which time there’s bound to be another “election”in Russia that you could supervise. As your most trusted advisor, I will naturally remain in New Zealand to work on our stategy for the next election.

    Comment by Moz Knows Best — December 14, 2011 @ 2:13 pm

  46. I you can’t beat’em, join’em.

    At the very least, Labour should consider becoming “National-lite” : a poster campaign such as this inspired effort which nearly unseated Key.

    However that’s not a radical enough solution to our deep seated problem. A more bold approach is “National-deeper blue”: we need Don Brash and Roger Douglas to bolster our economic theories. Bring back the former ACT members into the Labour fold, and let us complete the fearless policies of Rogernomics that saved the nation from Muldoon in in 1984.

    Comment by ropata — December 14, 2011 @ 2:28 pm

  47. The problem is that labour leaders are too obviously labour leaders. We need to transmogrify vampires to capture the harry potter and twilight fans then dress them in hugo boss from head to toe to capture the liberal elite while wowing the country voters. the person shouldn’t shave their face (for a man) or moustache (for a women) and then we will capture the hard green vote. A high vis vest and great slogans will capture the unions and the drug takers. to capture the business community just be seen to hate everyone that they can’t make money off. don’t worry these people don’t vote anyway and we’ve already captured the sympathisers. oh, dating either sue bradford or deborah coddington so that we know whether you are to the left or right of the party would help.

    Comment by morofrujurashuns — December 14, 2011 @ 2:58 pm

  48. Labour needs to address the issues John Key is too afraid to talk about. Like Iran. What has National done to prevent Iran from gaining nuclear-weapons capability? Sweet FA, that’s what. Whereas Helen Clark’s government, at the insistence of Jim Anderton and myself, heroically went to the defence of Western values in Afghanistan (I can neither confirm nor deny the rumours that I personally shot Osama bin Laden in the head), John Key is a well-known terrorist appeaser and radical Muslim sympathiser. Just look at his palling around with conservative clerics like “Jihadi John” Banks. We need to send a message, and that message is this: National wants to stone homosexuals in the main street of Helensville. Does Helensville have a main street? It doesn’t matter. You won’t be quibbling about local topography when you’re buried up to your waist being pelted with broken bricks by Judith Collins. Dave, as an international man of misery and certified stigmatist you know better than anyone how much we need to defend civilised values, both at home and in the wider world. That’s why our foreign policy needs to return to core Labour values: Where America goes, we go! Where she stands, we stand! Though ideally, we should try to get there first.

    Comment by rj — December 14, 2011 @ 3:20 pm

  49. Why would he take bad advice from John Pagani when he could get terrible advice from Shelley Bridgeman?

    Comment by Jake — December 14, 2011 @ 4:51 pm

  50. “National wants to stone homosexuals in the main street of Helensville”

    This would go down quite well in Helensville, I think.

    Comment by MeToo — December 14, 2011 @ 5:17 pm

  51. @49:

    Dear David

    Congratulations on your appointment as Labour leader. I have been focus-grouping all the poor people I know, including the caterer for my book club, two wait staff at Antoine’s and the children’s second nanny. They seemed a bit busy to talk, but I’m sure they’re supportive.

    The Labour Party is New Zealand’s oldest surviving political party. My research has shown that it was established on 7 July 1916 in Wellington and brought together socialist groups advocating proportional representation and “the Recall” of Members of Parliament, as well as the nationalisation of production and of exchange. If pushed, I would hazard a guess that its origins lie in the British working-class movement, heavily influenced by Australian radicalism and events such as the Waihi miners’ strike.

    I think it’s marvellous that we have a political leader who has travelled the world extensively. It is so important to venture out from the northern slopes and really see this global world. My experiences in St Moritz and the Maldives have really shaped my worldview, and I see that you’ve travelled to… oh. Well those places are a bit unpleasant, best we not mention them to voters!

    Anyway, must dash, let’s do lunch.


    P.S. I don’t have to vote Labour, do I?

    Comment by Jordan — December 14, 2011 @ 5:34 pm

  52. she just keeps on giving!

    Comment by sheesh — December 14, 2011 @ 5:55 pm

  53. HOPE and CHANGE — ignore such idiotic ideas, and get pragmatic. Labour needs to appeal to the dark side of human nature. The new direction could be summarized as FEAR and GREED. In light of the impending economic doomsday our best hope is to avoid all responsibility and become a vassal state of Australia. Specific policies to implement to achieve this end would be to privatise everything and offer it on the Aussie Stock Exchange. Especially tasty assets would include
    1. All national sporting teams (it’s a great time to sell our rugby and cricket expertise)
    2. All conservation land
    3. The Government (including its liabilities)

    Once we are effectively serfs to Australian owned corporations we will no longer have any responsibility to pay back government debt. Also by privatising health, welfare and education Labour will have short circuited any such policies that National might have tried to implement by stealth.

    Comment by ropata — December 14, 2011 @ 6:10 pm

  54. I’m deeply disappointed that Phil spurned much of my wise counsel a couple of months before the election. Had he seen the project through to its conclusion, Labour would be back in its proper place, and we wouldn’t be back here again at square one with you.. Let that be a lesson to you.

    First up smile, not just when you are happy or amused – AT ALL TIMES. Tragedy, catstrophe, outrage, horror, everything must be met with your brightest smile. Our goal is to out-Key Key. If a grinning buffoon is what the public wants, and it clearly does, just imagine how people will swoon to an uber-optimist with, ahh, let’s say, highly specialised needs. We need to turn the image of Labour as pointy headed intellectuals on it’s head. The electorate likes to feel intellectually superior to its leaders, and we need every single vote we can get. I can’t emphasise this enough.

    Next, policy. We won’t be having any of that nonsense, and I think I can safely say that if the caucus hadn’t insisted on chucking some out there in the final weeks of the campaign, we wouldn’t be having this conversation today. National won, the nation likes National, and Labour will be Johnny no-mates if it is seen to argue with the in-crowd. Of course it is important that Labour differentiate itself in some small ways, otherwise the public won’t be able to tell who’s who on voting day. To that end Labour will be the party of cats and dogs. Key has boxed himself into a corner on this issue by coming out as a cat-man. Labour needs to seize this opportunity with both hands. At every public event you must take along your beloved (and sedated) cat and dog. Of course there will be some occasions when it would be inappropriate to take your pets, state funerals spring to mind. If you can’t have them with you, you need to wear them on your clothes. Life-sized head-shots should be emblazoned inside a big, red, heart, on the front and back of whatever you are wearing. You can’t buy advertising like that………..

    Comment by acuman — December 14, 2011 @ 7:05 pm

  55. David, I’ve spent the last couple of weeks thinking about how to WIN in 2014. Having spent much of the last couple of months banging on people’s doors and asking them if I could put up a hoarding on their fence, I’ve hit on a strategy straight from the grass roots. Usually they say no because, well, they support the other team. So we have BE the other team. CC got it right about the Greens, they’re winning, because they fight in our territory. We need to fight in their territory. But let’s fight smart, let’s fight where the resistance is weakest. ACT’s dead. Let’s grab that space, decriminalise marijuana. That gets the Greens too, but why just fight for ground when we can go further. Let’s decriminalise everything, go Dutch make it a health issue. This destroys the gangs and gives us another opportunity. Without the drugs what are the Mongrel Mob and Black Power going to do? Big burly guys with nothing to do? We’ve got the answer to other crime there in our hands. Community Security Entreprenerialism! Whanau Or-I’ll-bash-you! We use Maharey’s social entrepreneur model to leverage off the gangs’ networks and BAM – burgaries are gone!

    We’ve gotta move quick on this one Dave.


    Comment by Richard — December 14, 2011 @ 7:49 pm

  56. And don’t sweat the small stuff! What one of your caucus colleagues does in their personal lives or says on the internet will disappear after five or six news-cycles. If it doesn’t, then that’s the time to start publicly addressing the issue.

    Comment by Steve Hickey — December 14, 2011 @ 7:59 pm

  57. Actual Pagani wins this one.

    Comment by George D — December 14, 2011 @ 10:11 pm

  58. By buying the Hurricanes the Labour Party will reconnect with their core audience on an emotional level, while there may be some blowback in the lower north island from changing the team colour to red, this will be more than compensated by picking up notoriously stupid Canterbury voters.

    Comment by Pascal's bookie — December 15, 2011 @ 8:29 am

  59. There are three obvious issues on the one-, two-, and three-year horizons that will need to be addressed:

    1) The 2012 Austerity budget: With the looming collapse of the Eurozone, and continued downward revisions of Treasury growth estimates, it’s obvious that an austerity budget will be passed in May (or earlier, as an emergency response). This is despite the counter-arguments of Nobel Prize winning economists such as Paul Krugman, and the failure of austerity to generate economic growth (as evidenced in Greece and Ireland).

    2) Rising inequality: The Austerity Budget and rising levels of inequality will lead to social disorder (rising crime and riots), and an increasingly-radicalised mainstream (perhaps in the form of a reinvigorated Occupation movement)

    3) The end of Business-As-Usual: When we combine (1) and (2) with the end of easy and cheap access to resources such as oil, and a rising global population, it’s obvious that people will be demanding strong and convincing “alternative” answers by 2014.

    These are important issues, and it’s important to be on the right side of history of all of them. Therefore we must wait until it’s clear what history has determined those right answers will be before we adopt them.

    Comment by Steve Hickey — December 15, 2011 @ 8:56 am

  60. Oh! And In the case of the austerity budget, there are only two sensible courses of action to take:

    – bore the public with unpopular arguments and facts about the lessons of the Great Depression and the consequences of potential economic interventions by the government

    – do nothing

    The merits of this second option should be obvious: Nothing will happen in the global economy over our Christmas and summer break, therefore there’s no need for the government to react, therefore there’s no need for us to start preparing our media-friendly counter-narrative just yet.

    Enjoy your holidays!

    Comment by Steve Hickey — December 15, 2011 @ 8:57 am

  61. Congratulations Dave,

    My invoice for the above salutation is in the mail, please pay promptly.

    Now, to business.
    Labour lost because there are far more uncertified insane voters that vote for nice people than normal people in NZ. so…

    1. Lose the Unions, they’re a spent force, who can’t even holiday in Fiji. Probably most effective method would be an additional Collective Agreement tax applicable only to Union members. All nOn-union workers on individual agreements will now vote Labour.

    2. Forget historical niche groups, including pensioners, unemployed, Europeans, Maori, Pacific Islands, Physically Challenged ( be very specific, don’t want to offend any mentally challenged, who currently make up the majority of Labour supporters ).

    3. Try to attract future-looking groups, eg Mandarin speakers, Climate change deniers, Dairy farmers ( will be a point of difference to the Greens ).

    4. May be best to change party name from Labour to something fresh and popular based on Google search popularity. Shelley Bridgeman could help you choose.

    5. Sort out the Greens by demanding they change their name as they aren’t even slightly green coloured, even after drinking natural extracts whilst Morris dancing.

    6. Sort out NZ First by purchasing all NZ supplies of black hair dye, and placing mirrors inside Bellamys. The public will never see Winston again.

    7. Negotiate with John Key to purchase the Labour party in early 2014. He’ll be bored with Gerry, Bill and , by then, and will want his own toys. Just ensure Owen Glenn doesn’t outbid him.

    My invoice for the above advice is also in the mail. Please pay 80% immediately, and the remainder within 10 days of Labour’s inevitable victory.

    Comment by Bruce Hamilton — December 15, 2011 @ 9:54 am

  62. According to some blogs I scanned briefly, the party vote for Labour increased in electorates where there is a strong local Labour Party operation.

    It goes without saying that correlation is not causation.

    Going forward, our best bet is to ignore these “on the ground” operations (the ongoing loyalty of Labour Party members is the one thing we *can* assume over the next three years). Instead, let’s spend our efforts targeting and influencing the crucial swing votes of blogosphere-based thought-leaders and concern trolls (a demographic I have named ‘Chris Trotter Man’).

    Comment by Steve Hickey — December 15, 2011 @ 11:58 am

  63. “Nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”

    Comment by Gryfon — December 15, 2011 @ 12:40 pm

  64. Hey Danyl,

    What have you done to the the real Chris Trotter, and why are you moonlighting on his ‘blog?

    Comment by Phil — December 15, 2011 @ 3:18 pm

  65. Fuck you Danyl, now I can’t read Bridgeman without bursting into hysterics and copping strange looks in the process.

    Comment by Ant — December 15, 2011 @ 3:55 pm

  66. Comment by Flynn the Cat — December 15, 2011 @ 8:39 pm

  67. Darn. Image didn’t work. See this link for witty and relevant image.

    Comment by Flynn the Cat — December 15, 2011 @ 8:40 pm

  68. Sup D 🙂

    Mad props for the win. Now down to business.

    You don’t mind if i call you D do you ?

    It’s what all the hep cats down with da yoof would call you and thats who you need to connect with…The hep cats and da yoof !

    You’ll also need to grow a silly goaty beardy thing like me because da yoof will love you for it !

    Makes you look edgy, street and hep as a cat.

    Tell you what. Flick me your digits so i can school you up at leisure on how to be a hep cat like me, speak the dope lingo and connect with da yoof.

    and remember, don’t be playa hater like Goff, be a playa congratulater.



    Comment by pollywog — December 15, 2011 @ 10:28 pm

  69. Once upon a time someone who should have known better thought this was a good idea:

    Comment by Joe W — December 15, 2011 @ 11:40 pm

  70. Key has proven the public have no appetite for a politician to be PM. Since the party have chosen a leader with little political experience you must capitalise on your lack of political experience immediately. Do not appear in parliament. Do not appear in a political context on tv, radio or print. All interviews must now be conducted in your home or on a beach and be solely about your family and pets.

    Better yet, quit politics. Once the public realises you’re truly one of them and not at all a politician then they will vote for you. Make sure your name doesn’t appear on any voting forms or this cunning ruse will fall down.

    Comment by Myles Thomas — December 16, 2011 @ 1:39 am

  71. Myles is onto something. It may be too late for Shearer, but the cast of Shortland St is waiting in the wings, and Anton Oliver is a capable non-MP with left wing sympathies.
    He could tackle the National front bench (corporate spokesmen David Kirk and Sean Fitzpatrick notwithstanding).

    Comment by ropata — December 16, 2011 @ 11:24 am

  72. Take a leaf from the most progressive, inclusive, and influential lobbying group of all time – the Church of Scientology – and give prospective new members and Young Labour recruits an all-expenses-paid ocean voyage in international waters on the HMNZ Sovereign Indoctrination on the sole condition that they sever all contact with friends and loved ones and cede any current and future earnings to the Labour Party.

    Comment by C. Arthur Monteath-Carr — December 19, 2011 @ 12:19 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: