The Dim-Post

May 7, 2012

Government announces urgent crackdown on scaremongering

Filed under: Politics,satire — danylmc @ 10:13 am

The National Government will rush tough new emergency legislation through Parliament to deal with an epidemic of scaremongering that puts tens of thousands of Kiwi children at risk and threatens to derail the entire economy, Justice Minister Judith Collins and Finance Minister Bill English announced today.

‘We must protect the children of this country from predatory scaremongers, either at home, in the playground or at school,’ Collins said in a speech to Family First, outlining the urgent new reforms. The exact nature of the legislative response to the ongoing scaremongering crisis is to be determined, but Collins confirmed that whatever the government decides, it will be rushed through Parliament under urgency and be inconsistent with the Bill of Rights Act.

‘Whatever we end up doing, we must do it quickly and without regard for democratic process,’ Collins explained.

The Justice Minister’s comments have drawn fire from constitutional law experts, but Collins dismissed the criticism, announcing in a press statement,  ‘Ignoring democracy will protect the children of this country from exploitation for cheap political purposes, and I will not apologise for standing up for them and defending them from attacks by opposition parties and the news media.’

Finance Minister Bill English has confirmed that the anti-scaremongering package will contain urgent economic reforms. ‘If we don’t address the issue of scaremongering and restore confidence to bond-markets and ratings agencies then New Zealand will follow down the path of Greece and Spain into total economic collapse,’ English warned

The exact nature of the anti-scaremongering economic agenda has yet to be determined. ‘They will be a wide-ranging and comprehensive plan to restore the government accounts to surplus and deliver a brighter future for New Zealand,’ English said, although he has confirmed that the reforms will not address unemployment, savings, economic growth, government spending, currency levels or exports.

‘You can’t export and save your way out of an economic slump,’ English explained, responding to critics of the governments as-yet-unformed plan. ‘You don’t grow the economy just by earning more than you spend and investing the excess wealth. That’s just not common sense.’

BusinessNZ CEO Phil O’Reilly has said that whatever the governments’ eventual urgent reforms are, they will be a good start but not go far enough. Labour leader David Shearer is withholding comment on the controversial anti-scaremongering measures. ‘ I don’t want to take an oppositional stance,’ Shearer explained. ‘Politics is not a contest of ideas in which the public gets to choose whose ideas they prefer and then elect that party into government.’

Spokespeople for Bill English and Judith Collins have said that the finishing touches of the emergency reforms will be finalised over the summer recess and urgently rushed into Parliament in time for the 2014 election.


  1. There is nothing to see here, it is just a carping storm in a tea cup by people who are always carping on against those who have done better in life.

    I think we need to trust Mr. Key when he tells us there is real threat from scaremongers. After all, scaremongers are usually people who insist on chopping down the tall poppy. I bet the scaremongers have never owned a business or released a CD of them singing their own favourite tunes! John has proven that he has a sure hand on the economic tiller and he knows what is best for us all, just he told me so over dinner at Cape Kidnappers last week.


    Paul Holmes

    Comment by Sanctuary — May 7, 2012 @ 10:41 am

  2. superb. and accurate.

    Comment by Ben — May 7, 2012 @ 10:42 am

  3. Aha. So that is why this was published today, “Prime Minister John Key says elections in Europe show the National-led Government is right to hand down another zero Budget this year, despite rising unemployment.” It is all to do with scare-mongering. Thank you for the illuminating explanation.

    Comment by xianmac — May 7, 2012 @ 10:49 am

  4. What about the ramshackle rafts laden with scaremongers from overseas that are converging on New Zealand from all corners of the globe?

    Comment by Higgs Boatswain — May 7, 2012 @ 1:04 pm

  5. ramshackle rafts laden with scaremongers from overseas

    Rusty Norman?

    Comment by Phil — May 7, 2012 @ 3:46 pm

  6. What’s the bet legislative fish hooks will pick up the ironmongers and fishmongers?

    Comment by bka — May 7, 2012 @ 3:53 pm

  7. With apologies to William Gibson, welcome to Disneyland with the Red Squad. Be happy… or you’ll taste our Minto bars.

    Comment by deepred — May 8, 2012 @ 12:16 am

  8. I see what you did there

    Comment by The Green Blazer — May 8, 2012 @ 10:13 am

  9. A bit late I think.

    The scaremongers have all gone offshore.

    Clearly the Nats do not want them back.

    Comment by peterlepaysan — May 8, 2012 @ 10:06 pm

  10. As someone who is in Spain I’m wondering what Key is worried about. It’s a great place to be if you have money.

    Comment by lyndonhood — May 10, 2012 @ 4:57 am

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