The government will streamline government, improve delivery and increase efficiency of government by outsourcing the government, the government announced yesterday.
Prime Minister John Key outlined the sweeping changes during a speech to the 2012 Local Government New Zealand conference, in which the National government bid farewell to Local governments because they would no longer be directly involved in government.
‘As of today we are outsourcing the core functions of running the country to the private sector, which we believe is more suited to public sector management than the public sector,’ Key said. The Prime Minister also announced that the bid to govern New Zealand had been tendered in what he described as a ‘very competitive process’ and been won by a company called kiwinzgov.co.ph, a subsidiary of SG Holdings, a Philippine based conglomerate with interests in heavy industry, international call centers, and retail operations specialising in shopping mall construction.
‘This is a corporation that is passionate about the government of New Zealand. It brings years of world-class experience at the highest levels of international trade and finance,’ Key said, before ending his speech with, ‘Well, see you.’
The Prime Minister then stepped off the stage, switched off his cell-phone and shook hands with his security detail. A spokeswoman from his office told reporters that all queries to the Prime Minister and Cabinet should be directed to an 0900 number that routed through to the kiwinzgov.co.ph call centre in Quezon City on Luzon Island, the largest Island in the Philippines.
Initial inquiries revealed that New Zealand’s new head of government is Mutya Salonga, the 32 year old Vice President of kiwinzgov.co.ph, a marketing graduate from Ateneo de Manila University, although Salonga will be unavailable for most of the day due to time differences, so most executive functions of government will be handled by 4am to 12am call centre shift team leader Gabriela Lapu, a 19 year old from Binakayan, a small fishing village on the north coast of Luzon.
Although Gabriela has yet to address New Zealand media, she has wowed local business leaders in a brief Skype conference in which she revealed her vision for New Zealand was to ‘Make the money go big quick-fast,’ and her pledge to transform the welfare state so there is, ‘No more lazy 100% all the time.’ She also paid tribute to her good friend, ‘All-in-the-Blacks General Richie McCaw.’
‘This is the kind of visionary leadership New Zealand desperately needs,’ said Business New Zealand head Phil O’Reilly, who also praised Lapu for her unique ability to empathise with the needs of ordinary New Zealanders, and has been chosen to head up a working group tasked with bringing Philippine Boy Band XLR8 on a tour of the country.
But not everyone has been impressed with Gabriela Lapu, with Labour lashing out at ‘slithery Gabby’, and opposition leader David Shearer confronting Lapu at Question Time in Parliament over whether she stood by every statement she had ever made, then questioning her about discrepancies in her time sheets.
‘If the Prime Minister started work at 4am Manilla time, why then do her computer records not show her logging on until 4:27?’ Shearer demanded. Lapu, addressing Parliament by speaker-phone, explained that she had been too busy fixing a printer to log on. ‘I fix your printer too,’ she told Shearer. ‘Then you print out CV when David Cunliffe has your job ha ha ha.’
Political commentators have praised Lapu for her fiery performances in the House, although she was cautioned by new House Speaker Filbert Concepcion when she dismissed New Zealand First leader Winston Peters as a ‘stupid old ugly old stupid man’, after Peters made allegations about a fire that broke out in Lapu’s village when she was five. Speaker Concepcion cautioned Lapu and threatened to withdraw her staff cafeteria privileges for one week.
Although outsourcing the government to kiwinzgov.co.ph is forecast to save up to $14,000 dollars by the year 2027, the initial set-up costs of the outsourcing have soared to twenty million dollars a day, as the public service and regional governments struggle to coordinate with their new Ministers, most of whom are non-English speaking software support specialists.
Prime Minister Lapu was unavailable for comment on the budget blow-out, since she was co-ordinating a fire-drill in another area of the call-center, before she flies to Australia to negotiate regional security issues with the Labour led government in Canberra which has outsourced its own executive functions to the Great Aussie Federal Government Corporation, based in Hamilton.