The Dim-Post

July 18, 2012

National government to outsource government of government

Filed under: Politics,satire — danylmc @ 10:07 am

The government will streamline government, improve delivery and increase efficiency of government by outsourcing the government, the government announced yesterday.

Prime Minister John Key outlined the sweeping changes during a speech to the 2012 Local Government New Zealand conference, in which the National government bid farewell to Local governments because they would no longer be directly involved in government.

‘As of today we are outsourcing the core functions of running the country to the private sector, which we believe is more suited to public sector management than the public sector,’ Key said. The Prime Minister also announced that the bid to govern New Zealand had been tendered in what he described as a ‘very competitive process’ and been won by a company called, a subsidiary of SG Holdings, a Philippine based conglomerate with interests in heavy industry, international call centers, and retail operations specialising in shopping mall construction.

‘This is a corporation that is passionate about the government of New Zealand. It brings years of world-class experience  at the highest levels of international trade and finance,’ Key said, before ending his speech with, ‘Well, see you.’

The Prime Minister then stepped off the stage, switched off his cell-phone and shook hands with his security detail. A spokeswoman from his office told reporters that all queries to the Prime Minister and Cabinet should be directed to an 0900 number that routed through to the call centre in Quezon City on Luzon Island, the largest Island in the Philippines.

Initial inquiries revealed that New Zealand’s new head of government is Mutya Salonga, the 32 year old Vice President of, a marketing graduate from Ateneo de Manila University, although Salonga will be unavailable for most of the day due to time differences, so most executive functions of government will be handled by 4am to 12am call centre shift team leader Gabriela Lapu, a 19 year old from Binakayan, a small fishing village on the north coast of Luzon.

Although Gabriela has yet to address New Zealand media, she has wowed local business leaders in a brief Skype conference in which she revealed her vision for New Zealand was to ‘Make the money go big quick-fast,’ and her pledge to transform the welfare state so there is, ‘No more lazy 100% all the time.’ She also paid tribute to her good friend, ‘All-in-the-Blacks General Richie McCaw.’

‘This is the kind of visionary leadership New Zealand desperately needs,’ said Business New Zealand head Phil O’Reilly, who also praised Lapu for her unique ability to empathise with the needs of ordinary New Zealanders, and has been chosen to head up a working group tasked with bringing Philippine Boy Band XLR8 on a tour of the country.

But not everyone has been impressed with Gabriela Lapu, with Labour lashing out at ‘slithery Gabby’, and opposition leader David Shearer confronting Lapu at Question Time in Parliament over whether she stood by every statement she had ever made, then questioning her about discrepancies in her time sheets.

‘If the Prime Minister started work at 4am Manilla time, why then do her computer records not show her logging on until 4:27?’ Shearer demanded. Lapu, addressing Parliament by speaker-phone, explained that she had been too busy fixing a printer to log on. ‘I fix your printer too,’ she told Shearer. ‘Then you print out CV when David Cunliffe has your job ha ha ha.’

Political commentators have praised Lapu for her fiery performances in the House, although she was cautioned by new House Speaker Filbert Concepcion when she dismissed New Zealand First leader Winston Peters as a ‘stupid old ugly old stupid man’, after Peters made allegations about a fire that broke out in Lapu’s village when she was five. Speaker Concepcion cautioned Lapu and threatened to withdraw her staff cafeteria privileges for one week.

Although outsourcing the government to is forecast to save up to $14,000 dollars by the year 2027, the initial set-up costs of the outsourcing have soared to twenty million dollars a day, as the public service and regional governments struggle to coordinate with their new Ministers, most of whom are non-English speaking software support specialists.

Prime Minister Lapu was unavailable for comment on the budget blow-out, since she was co-ordinating a fire-drill in another area of the call-center, before she flies to Australia to negotiate regional security issues with the Labour led government in Canberra which has outsourced its own executive functions to the Great Aussie Federal Government Corporation, based in Hamilton.


  1. An instant classic…..probably because it is just short step past where National’s dream scenario would take us.

    Comment by Steve Withers — July 18, 2012 @ 10:13 am

  2. Sadly too true. The IRD have already tried outsourcing debt collection to outside providers. How much more “core function of government” can you get than the assessment and collection of tax?

    Comment by TerryB — July 18, 2012 @ 10:16 am

  3. You got a few details wrong. As a rule, the middle and upper classes speak very good English in the Philippines, so Gabriela is likely to come from a suburb of Manila and be clearer and easier to understand than the average Kiwi.

    Otherwise, yes, this is how the current thinks. Reductio ad absurdum? Certainly. But we don’t know how much of the state they want to sell or replace, they’re not being clear about their agenda.

    Comment by George D — July 18, 2012 @ 10:43 am

  4. I think you missed some good material with outsourcing water

    Comment by NeilM — July 18, 2012 @ 11:29 am

  5. You got a few details wrong…

    An ‘upper class’ Filipino wouldn’t be seen deal in a call centre, unless they owned it.

    You’re absolutely correct however in saying that your well-moneyed upper or well educated middle class Filipino’s English diction is on the whole, manifestly better than your average Nyuy Zullunah.

    Comment by Gregor W — July 18, 2012 @ 11:59 am

  6. Send this to Theresa May so next time she out-sources government, she knows where to go …

    Comment by MeToo — July 18, 2012 @ 12:29 pm

  7. Pidgin English? Really? Why didn’t you just write “no fly lice” and be done with it.

    Comment by David C — July 18, 2012 @ 12:34 pm

  8. And breaking on Stuff: “David C wins prize for no sense of humour”.

    PPP is DEF the way to go: it’s been at least 10 years since it was tried in the UK, so it must be about time it made it’s way here in force.

    Comment by Clunking Fist — July 18, 2012 @ 12:43 pm

  9. I’ve got a great sense of humour thanks. It just doesn’t extend to lazy racial stereotypes.

    Comment by David C — July 18, 2012 @ 12:47 pm

  10. True: in more breaking news “Corrupt Croney, Out-Of-Touch Politicians Stereotyped As Older-White-Males-Who-Would-Eat-Your-Babies-For-Fun-And-Profit Shock”. Is that waht you mean?

    Comment by Clunking Fist — July 18, 2012 @ 12:56 pm

  11. “…I’ve got a great sense of humour thanks. It just doesn’t extend to lazy racial stereotypes…”

    May I refer you to my earlier post about concerned trolling being the last refuge of scoundrels:

    Comment by Sanctuary — July 18, 2012 @ 1:16 pm

  12. Sense of humour:: of which everyone assumes they have a great sense, but which is strangely lacking in everyone else.

    Comment by Leopold — July 18, 2012 @ 1:27 pm

  13. An ‘upper class’ Filipino wouldn’t be seen deal in a call centre, unless they owned it.

    Yeah. I helped set up a call centre in Manilla back in the 90s, and most of the kids working there were from pretty humble backgrounds – and their English syntax would have been horribly offensive to some otherwise good-humoured people.

    Comment by danylmc — July 18, 2012 @ 1:46 pm

  14. PPPs are here already CF and have been for ages – every roading project since the MoW was disbanded is a PPP of sorts. Or do you mean more than just design and build – but own and maintain? Well, they’re happening with the new Wiri prison and with the new schools at Hobsonville Point (north west Auckland). From memory the transactions costs around the new school PPP is larger than the projected savings. Looks like we’ve learned nothing from the UK PPP experience.

    Comment by MeToo — July 18, 2012 @ 4:08 pm

  15. Oh right, you lived in the Philippines! Well I guess it’s OK as long as you remembered to pick up your official “I’m allowed to be racist towards these people” certificate then.

    Comment by Hugh — July 18, 2012 @ 4:44 pm

  16. Hugh, Pete George just called. He wants his sanctimony back.

    Comment by Gregor W — July 18, 2012 @ 5:17 pm

  17. Didn’t you know I’m just Pete George’s sockpuppet?

    BTW I think the best solution for this is for people to come together and find a moderate, consensus way forward that relies on people, not politics.

    Comment by Hugh — July 18, 2012 @ 5:20 pm

  18. I’m not sure if sanctimonious means the same thing as “not racist”

    Comment by David C — July 18, 2012 @ 5:20 pm

  19. A satire of National consisting of foreigners with funny English taking taking our jobs might be a bit of a back-handed complement to National.

    I thought the Obama campaing ad strayed into weird territory, seems outsourcing has that effect.

    Comment by NeilM — July 18, 2012 @ 5:28 pm

  20. Gregor, 2001 called and they wan’t their ironic sarcasm back. Ya know?

    Comment by Tim — July 18, 2012 @ 6:09 pm

  21. You don’t want to be a PG sock puppet, Hugh.
    Think where his hands have been!

    Comment by Gregor W — July 18, 2012 @ 8:31 pm

  22. We are already ruled by a Hawaiian Wall Street puppet. The Nats are using this Phillipine call centre as a diversion from the truth.

    Comment by peterlepaysan — July 18, 2012 @ 11:16 pm

  23. it is hilarious watching the previously die in the ditch defenders of Paul Henry lining up to insult Danyl over his mild satire. Amnesia, doing it for the right wing since 7.53am today.

    Comment by Sanctuary — July 19, 2012 @ 7:54 am

  24. I’m not sure if sanctimonious means the same thing as “not racist”

    @ David C.

    It doesn’t. It means feigned piety / righteousness. Which is precisely what Hugh conveyed.
    If you were to swap Filipino with German would anyone cry foul?

    Only the most humourless types would seriously take poking fun at unfamiliar accents / English as a second language malapropism (I’m not sure if this is the right word I am looking for though) as indicative of racism.

    You effectively extirpate a whole class of humour if you can’t laugh at the unintentional mangling of English.
    What kind of dull world would we live if you can’t laugh at the figurative Irish builder, who when asked to describe the difference between construction materials answers, “Well if I’m not mistaken, joist wrote Ulysses and girder wrote Faust.”

    Comment by Gregor W — July 19, 2012 @ 10:05 am

  25. Umm actually Sanctuary I was hugely against Paul Henry as well. So you can take your misinformed accusations and write verbose posts about them someplace else. Also your assumption I’m right wing amuses me. I might be, or I might be staunchly left. Nothing I’ve said would say either way.

    Comment by David C — July 19, 2012 @ 10:47 am

  26. “I might be, or I might be staunchly left. Nothing I’ve said would say either way.”

    i know theres a “not” in there somewhere – but at the moment thats quite pythonesque

    Comment by framu — July 19, 2012 @ 11:39 am

  27. “Amnesia, doing it for the right wing since 7.53am today”
    I’m pretty sure I’m right wing, and I find Danyl’s post funny (no, not just the funny accents, but the funny “take privatisation to its logical conclusion” bits as well)

    MeToo @ 14 Yes, I knew they had started to creep in here (and some aspects of PP ARE creepy). My point was about how this nation copies an idea from the UK about 10 years later, which is about when the UK realises what a terrible idea is really is. I sincerely hope that NZ will realise a bit before 10 years, though: our govt’s accrual accounting may make it just that bit harder to avoid disclosing the contingent liabilities.

    Comment by Clunking Fist — July 19, 2012 @ 1:28 pm

  28. WINZ should definitely outsource their call centre to the Philippines. They would probably be the first organisation to actually succeed in growing their client base by doing so.

    Comment by kahikatea — July 19, 2012 @ 4:36 pm

  29. funnily enough I was following up on something Julie Anne Genter had referenced at some point – the development of cycle ways in Copenhagen.

    I was curuius to know what sort of motorway systen Denmark has and it turns out it has quite a comprehensive one. And they have just finished a new stretch – and via a PPP to boot.

    Also –

    The project is part of the government’s stimulus package to get the economy moving after Denmark slumped into a deep recession. The world’s fifth richest country, which was notorious for low unemployment rates, suffered badly in the economic crisis, particularly in the housing sector which held a large proportion of Denmark’s wealth.

    Sounds a bit like us, apart from the world’s fifth richest country bit.

    Comment by NeilM — July 19, 2012 @ 4:52 pm

  30. @ David C

    I agree sanctimony doesn’t mean ‘not racist ‘. But given that Danyl’s post wasn’t racist, the comparison is redundant. Hugh’s post however certainly appeared to contain a PG- like whiff of moral outrage / feigned righteousness, so sanctimony is appropriate.

    The day that poking fun at English mangling in a piece of satire becomes racism, a much misapplied term, is a sad one.

    Comment by Gregor W — July 19, 2012 @ 8:05 pm

  31. The day that poking fun at English mangling in a piece of satire becomes racism

    though it might have been a bit funnier had it been kiwis doing the mangling. I’m not what the point of having foreigners doing it was.

    Comment by NeilM — July 19, 2012 @ 8:33 pm

  32. greedy foreigners at that

    Comment by NeilM — July 19, 2012 @ 8:39 pm

  33. Greens = Winston Peters

    Comment by Tim — July 19, 2012 @ 10:58 pm

  34. I enjoyed this post. It was really funny.
    This comment is not satirical.

    When I lived in Japan I provided hours of amusement to the Japanese when I mangled their language. Hours and hours.

    Comment by John-Paul — July 21, 2012 @ 8:34 am

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