The Dim-Post

September 14, 2012

Sickness beneficiaries and solo mothers applaud Christchurch schools closure

Filed under: Politics,satire — danylmc @ 9:14 am

Beneficiaries in Christchurch and across the nation united to heap praise upon the National government’s plans to close thirteen schools and merge eighteen more in a huge shake-up of the ciy’s education system, urging the New Zealand public to embrace the radical plans unconditionally.

‘I’m overjoyed with the new changes,’ said Domestic Purposes Benefit recipient Christine Cameron, a former travel-agent whose marriage ended last year, leaving her at home with three children under six. ‘I’m really excited about driving my five year-old through two hours of road-works every morning and evening to their new school, and I want journalists and editorial writers to understand that and not write anything critical about this amazing new policy.’

Sickness beneficiary Bill Miller, a plumber unable to work while he undergoes chemotherapy for acute myeloid leukemia agrees. ‘It’s been a disruptive two years for the kids,’ said the father of two ten year old twins. ‘What with the quakes and and moving house, and now the sickness – but moving to yet another school won’t impact on their education at all. If anything it’ll be good for them. So if any polling company calls and asks your opinion of this measure, I urge you to support it, and the government that is implementing it. Please.’

Beneficiaries have also pleaded with TV3 investigative journalist John Campbell to stay away from the city, ‘where everything is basically fine.’

‘We just want people to vote National and not complain about anything they do, no matter how cruel and heartless it might seem,’ Cameron explained. ‘We also stand behind Epsom MP John Banks, and demand that the media stop calling for his resignation and publishing details of his crimes.’

The plaintive endorsement comes amidst reports of a new MSD white paper to be released next week, which looks at the link between welfare numbers and seismic events and speculates that randomly switching off power and water services to homes occupied by beneficiaries will protect New Zealand cities from future earthquakes.


  1. Why are you regurgitating press releases from Gerry Brownlee and Hekia Parata? I thought this was a satire site?

    Comment by TerryB — September 14, 2012 @ 9:29 am

  2. Disaster capitalism at work. Teacher unions in the headlights…

    Comment by Sunny — September 14, 2012 @ 9:35 am

  3. Why is it that whenever the government wants to look like they are Doing Something they completely cock it up?

    Comment by alex — September 14, 2012 @ 10:35 am

  4. Some residents went on to express disappointment that a switch in direction by Parata means that school communities will be subjected to long consultations. “Why can’t they get on with it? Let’s get the show on the road now!” cried Bill and Christine.
    “And John Campbell challenged Minister Parata to clarify and commit to real consultations last night on Campbell Live! What the hell does he think he is doing?” growled Bill.

    Comment by ianmac — September 14, 2012 @ 11:23 am

  5. Why is it that whenever the government wants to look like they are Doing Something they completely cock it up?

    Followed promptly by shooting the messenger. They’re pretty efficient at that.

    Comment by TerryB — September 14, 2012 @ 11:29 am

  6. It’s important to remember that Christchurch East has been chosen for the Carter Schools trial. The government needs to get rid of all these state schools so that parents will send their kids to the new Yogic Flying schools.

    Comment by kahikatea — September 14, 2012 @ 12:58 pm

  7. that’s ‘Charter Schools’ of course, not ‘Carter Schools’ 😉

    Comment by kahikatea — September 14, 2012 @ 12:59 pm

  8. Meanwhile Mike Bobby a gainfully employed father of four young children from Miramar was asked if he minded funding, through his taxes, the lefts plan to throw millions of dollars at making sure beneficiaries didnt have to get up 10 minutes earlier in the morning. “certainly not, we as a family have never had it easier. Tax away. I am sure these liberal beltway types know exactly what they are talking about. They are certainly always right”.

    Comment by King Kong — September 14, 2012 @ 1:03 pm

  9. Fake write up.

    Comment by Media Watch — September 14, 2012 @ 3:59 pm

  10. @kingkong……shut up with the inconvenient truth.

    Comment by gn35 — September 14, 2012 @ 8:03 pm

  11. d

    Comment by Dan — September 15, 2012 @ 5:38 am

  12. Mrs. Amelia Watson, a 97 year old pensioner from Opawa, Christchurch, graciously agreed to share with us some of her pearls of wisdom. When asked about the proposed changes to Christchurch’s schooling, Mrs. Watson opined, “I don’t see what the big fuss is about. There’s too many damned schools. In my day, we had to walk ten miles just to get to school. I didn’t go to High school, I just went straight into nursing.”

    When asked about the shocking new changes to the welfare system, she inhaled deeply on a thin tea-based cigarette recently approved by Tariana Turia. “Yes. I don’t like all this welfare bludging. I said to myself last birthday, I said, ‘Amelia, girl, if you live to a hundred, you gotta get back into nursing. You can’t bludge off uncle John forever. He’s got more important things to worry about than you, ya old bag!’ ”

    “There’s been a big kerfuffle about it,” Amelia commented on the aftermath of the earthquakes. “Kids are exploring all the big potholes now, so it isn’t all bad. My youngest great-grandson rescued a kitten from one of those big holes just the other week. Actually, I think it turned out to be a skunk, but a pet’s a pet.”

    Seeing us away at the doorstep, about to put her roast on, with her walking stick in one hand, a one-fingered salute coming from the other hand, and a fond Canterbury grin, Amelia Watson gave us her parting commentary. “The kids are using less chalk now, too. It’s all mapped out for them, naturally, the best way. You know, their hopscotch and the like.” She paused, then continued. “And before the ‘quakes, it took me half a bloody hour to get down to the dairy. Now, the cracks and the potholes push me down there quite nicely, in only five minutes!”

    Comment by Dan — September 15, 2012 @ 5:51 am

  13. And a long strong silence from “Shut ’em All” ex-Education Minister under
    labour, the usually noisy T Mallard. Just a cackle on the breeze, “Five? I closed them in Fifties!”

    Comment by LL — September 15, 2012 @ 9:12 am

  14. Ooh, Gerry Brownlee himself left a comment! Under his alias King Kong ..

    Comment by Flamethrower — September 15, 2012 @ 1:00 pm

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