Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet
Are you passionate about the meaninglessness of language, the impossibility of knowledge and the non-existence of reality?
Are you keen to share your hopeless, doomed skepticism with officials at the highest level of government?
Then you might be our person!
We are seeking a: Senior Epistemologist to join our team in the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet
This is one of the three central agencies responsible for co-ordinating and managing public sector performance. Your role will be to brief the Prime Minister and other senior Cabinet Ministers on the uncertainty underpinning all of human existence, especially the uncertainty of managing departments and being accountable for their performance in a universe that cannot be proved to be real.
As Senior Epistemologist you will have responsibilities across – but not limited to – the following areas:
- Did unemployment rise in the last quarter? How can anyone prove it did, and if they can, doesn’t that proof require an additional proof, and so on into infinity? You will play a key role in communicating the meaninglessness of negative economic statistics to the New Zealand public.
- Did the Prime Minister say something embarrassing? How can anyone say anything when all experience consists of flawed, subjective memories? What are memories? And aren’t the Labour Party rubbish? Formulating positions on these issues, and then changing that position and denying that the first position ever existed while insisting that the whole thing is just a media beat-up will be a key part of your role.
- If the Prime Minister appears to have misled Parliament and the public, you will build relationships with key media figures and explain to them that there is no Prime Minister and no Parliament, just probability waves fluctuating within a quantum vacuum, so rumors of leadership struggles in the opposition party are more newsworthy.
- George Berkeley famously asked, ‘Does the reality of things consist in being perceived? Or is it something distinct from their being perceived, and that bears no relationship to the mind?’ You will apply this doctrine to Official Information Act Requests.
- You will co-ordinate junior epistemologists and other communications staff to disprove the existence of various events, statements, official reports, statistical findings and scientific facts as the role requires.
Our ideal person needs excellent interpersonal, communication and relationship building skills, and a committed belief in the inadequacy of language and rational thought in understanding the world. Weekend and evening work will be required.