The Dim-Post

February 12, 2014

Labour planning dodgy electoral deal with immortal giant

Filed under: media,satire — danylmc @ 10:53 am

TV3’s political editor has broken another story about a political party rorting the MMP system:

It’s dirty. It’s dodgy. And it’s happening. Yes, the Labour Party who have stuck the knife in and twisted the boot attacking National’s electorate deals have done a dirty dodgy dirty deal themselves.

Yes. You heard right. And it gets dodgier and dirty. The deal is with Ymir, King of the Frost Giants. A being of pure malevolence formed from the frozen rivers of poison that run through hell. Ymir has a real grudge against John Key. And the bad blood flies both ways. It’s a grudge match. Also a perfect storm of grudge.

Behind the scenes Labour is stiching up a dirty deal with Ymir for the electorate of Ginnungagap, a formless void of ice and rime located on Auckland’s North Shore.

Details of this deal are kept tightly under wraps. The Electoral Commission won’t even admit that the Ginnungagap electorate exists. Journalists who vault their reception desk and smash open computers looking for proof of Ginnungagap are led away by security. That shows you just how sensitive these deals are. A week is a long time in politics.

Labour’s spin-doctors say there is no deal and that Ymir doesn’t actually exist. They say I’m locked in a psychotic delusion. Well I’ve heard that before. Hundreds of times. It means they’re scared. They know that hard-working families don’t trust immortal frost giants. And with good reason. Remember, when Odin wounded Ymir in the runup to the 2002 election Ymir’s blood flooded the whole world. Yes, that won’t go down well with hard-working voters.

At the end of the day this last ditch effort might just see Labour in government and a giant made of snake’s venom on the Treasury benches. Only time will tell.


  1. Sure your name isn’t Scott?

    Comment by Northshoreguynz — February 12, 2014 @ 11:04 am

  2. Vote Surtr for a brighter future!

    Comment by repton — February 12, 2014 @ 11:09 am

  3. Sure your name isn’t Scott?

    Did Scott Yorke already do this? I guess its an obvious joke.

    Comment by danylmc — February 12, 2014 @ 11:10 am

  4. Patrick is one crazy dude.

    Comment by Sanctuary — February 12, 2014 @ 11:15 am

  5. Asked if he could rule out the possibility of King Ymir taking up a new Ginnungagap seat, Dr Cunliffe back-peddled on his previous comments, saying simply “Obviously I cannot prove the existence or nonexistence of Nordic frost giants”. This has lead to speculation that the Labour hierarchy has a preference for Auðumbla, the mythical cow.

    Comment by anon — February 12, 2014 @ 11:22 am

  6. At the end of the day this last ditch effort might just see Labour in government and a giant made of snake’s venom on the Treasury benches.

    O for the heady days of 2005, when Freyr rode Gullinbursti to Baldr’s funeral.

    Comment by Joe W — February 12, 2014 @ 11:24 am

  7. I hear that John Key is so concerned that he’s contemplating a deal with the Crawling Chaos.

    Comment by idiotsavant23 — February 12, 2014 @ 12:26 pm

  8. It must be satire, the writing and style are far too restrained for you to ever get a job at TV3

    Comment by Tinakori — February 12, 2014 @ 12:30 pm

  9. Fond memories of the Epsom spider-god.

    Comment by Gregor W — February 12, 2014 @ 12:48 pm

  10. At least Labour had the good sense not to ask dotcom to drop his party while at the same time promising to have his extradition blocked.

    Comment by NeilM — February 12, 2014 @ 12:58 pm

  11. NeilM: I think you have the wrong post. This one is about Ymir, King of the Frost Giants.

    Comment by wtl — February 12, 2014 @ 1:04 pm

  12. You missed the real kicker-quote in Gower’s story:

    Ymir received 0% of the electorate vote in a snap 3 News poll of the Ginnungagap electorate, but when voters were asked specifically about him – one in five were at least open to the possibility of voting for the King of Frost Giants.

    Twenty-one percent said they would consider voting for him, in order to save the souls of their loved ones from eternal torment and damnation. An additional fifteen percent wept inconsolable tears of rage. More than a third of voters responded by whispering a secret so dangerous that our polling staff used it to destroy them. Twenty three percent of voters remained firm in their electoral-vote support for either Hiram McDaniels – the six headed dragon, or the faceless old woman who lives in their home.

    The remaining four percent of voters answered all further survey questions in loud bursts of static, punctuated by their chanting of NZX trade details from the final five minutes of yesterdays session.

    The poll sampled 327 voters, with a margin of error so large that it forces me to contemplate the insignificance of your existence.

    Comment by Phil — February 12, 2014 @ 2:14 pm

  13. People who mix with the Frost Giant have generally come away with their reputations requiring re-thawing.

    Comment by NeilM — February 12, 2014 @ 2:18 pm

  14. Mind you, we had a dwarf made of snake venom in control of treasury in the early 90s, so a giant wouldn’t necessarily be that much worse…

    Comment by Dr Foster — February 12, 2014 @ 2:45 pm

  15. “Early 90s”, you say Dr Foster.
    That was merely the middle one of a triumvirate.
    Early 80s, early 90s and early “noughties” I would suggest.

    Comment by Alwyn — February 12, 2014 @ 4:42 pm

  16. The Greens claim they weren’t trying to make a deal is as believable as Banks saying the donations were truely anonymous.

    Dotcom has a had considerable corrupting influence on NZ politics.

    Apologies for lack of satire.

    Comment by NeilM — February 12, 2014 @ 6:10 pm

  17. “Did Scott Yorke already do this? I guess its an obvious joke.”

    No I didn’t, but I wish I had now.

    Comment by Scott Yorke — February 12, 2014 @ 6:29 pm

  18. *Goes to dictionary, looks up the meaning of ‘satire’*

    *Is confused*

    Comment by kalvarnsen — February 12, 2014 @ 6:35 pm

  19. Banks saying the donations were truly anonymous is unbelievable because of various sworn statements made about how it happened, combined with the fact Banks refuses to release his own sworn statement.

    The Greens claim they weren’t trying to make a deal is unbelievable because before the Internet Party existed they had nothing to say about the KDC extradition process and are not at all known for being picky about security agencies crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s; and thus it is a complete surprise that Norman answered the question the way he did.

    I guess.

    Comment by Pascal's bookie — February 12, 2014 @ 6:38 pm

  20. Oh fuck, once again Cthulhu misses out. Come on, really, why vote for the lesser evil?

    Comment by Rhinocrates — February 12, 2014 @ 7:03 pm

  21. Norman’s credibility is now in tatters (good news for Cunliffe!?)

    It did seem pretty obvious that Dotcom was a con and to be avoided.

    But Norman now has to feign memory problems,

    Comment by NeilM — February 12, 2014 @ 8:04 pm

  22. Jesus, the NeilM-bot strikes again!

    A mild dig at Gower’s nonsense tabloid schtick takes a confusing non-sequitur diversion into why the Greens are shit.


    Comment by Gregor W — February 12, 2014 @ 8:17 pm

  23. Gidday Greg, initially I thought there wasn’t much in it but Norman being wined and dined by Dotcom and then not remembering stuff and saying drop your party and we’ll block extradition doesn’t add up to the sort if liberal left view the Greens like to project.

    Dotcom is a rich crook. He should not be a hero for the left and the greens are very foolish to have bought into his a schtick.

    Comment by NeilM — February 12, 2014 @ 8:26 pm

  24. He’s a massive lumpy tar baby giving off a scent that no politician can resist, despite his prior convictions and track record of casually destroying their careers. It was the Nats who first fell in love with the big lug and granted him residency despite him not meeting character requirements. It’s awesome. Has Peter Dunne shown up yet?

    I hope everyone’s stealing his album (not to listen to of course, that’s madness).

    Comment by Judge Holden — February 12, 2014 @ 8:56 pm

  25. What a prize piece of meat Dotcom is proving to be for Crosby Textor and their willing enablers in the media. And they’ve barely got started yet.

    Comment by Joe W — February 12, 2014 @ 9:03 pm

  26. Having been gazumped, I am sure TVNZ are working on the shapeshifting Lizard angle for their cutting edge current affairs show Seven Sharp.

    Comment by Sanctuary — February 13, 2014 @ 7:14 am

  27. Phil, you’re a genius.

    Comment by helenalex — February 13, 2014 @ 8:22 am

  28. NeilM – the thing is, it’s hearsay, which has been spruiked into gospel by Gower, and is now grist for Key and co. to make absurd demands which the media lap up. Any claims key makes of a backroom deal are just that not transmuted into fact because they come from the lips of our glorious leader.

    Without a doubt Norman had a brain-fart with his extradition comment. Super dumb.
    However, the GP can’t actually block the process so the whole thing is nonsense. Even if the process was delayed until after the next election AND Labour-Green formed a govt AND they got Justice (assuming David Clendon?) it would be suicide to over-ride any court decision against DotCom. If the GP strategists don’t know this, then they’re idiots.
    Hitching oneself to Dotcom has proven to be disasterous and I just dont think the GP are that dumb.

    Wrt to some backroom deal? It’s pure fantasy.
    If the GP seriously consider their target constituency to be influenced by a single issue protest vote, their strategists must be smoking something harder than the herb.
    DotCom is an abberation and a media magnet, not a contender. The mythical 20% support whipped up by TV3(?) the other day is pure tabloid scare tactics.

    There is no upside for the Greens in this whole scenario which is why it’s either (a) a crock or (b) the GP are taking advice from Trevor Mallard. Take your pick.

    Comment by Gregor W — February 13, 2014 @ 9:25 am

  29. Its fairly obvious that NeilM is simply here to spread FUD. After all, this post had nothing to do with Dotcom or the Green Party but he persistently diverted the comments to say how bad the Green Party is. Astroturfer.

    Comment by wtl — February 13, 2014 @ 10:14 am

  30. Actually, Neil M has provided quite a bit of comic relief.
    Not quite in the top five, but much improved on previous efforts.

    Keep it up Neil, you are doing well. Genuine comedian status is within your grasp.

    Comment by peterlepaysan — February 14, 2014 @ 11:22 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at

%d bloggers like this: