The Dim-Post

May 13, 2016

Exclusive! Last chance at love for Jordan and Fleur

Filed under: Uncategorized — danylmc @ 8:59 am

In a shock twist that will shock the nation, Bachelor sweethearts Jordan Mauger and Fleur Verhoeven are getting back together again! And you won’t believe what caused it! 

‘Sometimes stuff changes your mind about stuff,’ quipped Jordan, the hunky film director who broke Fleur’s heart just days ago, before calling her last night to arrange a surprise, intimate date that will screen on TV3 tonight and be live simulcast online.

‘Sometimes you have to listen to your heart when it tells you to follow your dreams,’ said Fleur, the willowy dutch beauty who won the show but lost her man. Or has she? You go girl! Fleurpower!

So what prompted Jordan’s change of heart?

According to sources inside the TV3 publicity department, the sudden change of heart was brought about by a sudden illness. No, it wasn’t heartbreak or love-blindness. It was a mystery virus that causes rashes, convulsions and a non-responsive coma! Yikes! And it has struck down none other than Bachelor runner-up Naz, who confirmed that she slept with Jordan several times during the show. Naz is confined to be gravely ill with the as-yet-unnamed highly contagious disease; the feisty contestant has also previously confirmed that her large D cup breasts are the result of breast augmentation. What a handful!

‘Naz getting sick just made me think,’ quipped Jordan. ‘So I called Fleur.’ That’s our man!

As of press time seventeen of the bachelor beauties were confirmed to be seriously ill. Sounds like a serious case of love-sickness all round for these girls!

We spoke to a doctor at Auckland’s glamorous Greenlane hospital where Naz, who used the f-bomb live on TV, is being treated, and asked her if she was worried Jordan would break Fleur’s heart all over again.

But this doctor didn’t have love on her mind. ‘Stay away from the hospitals. They’re a vector for the pandemic,’ she yelled down the line, adding that Bachelor fans eager to wish Naz well should avoid Greenlane hospital which she described as ‘Hell on earth. Worse than anything you can imagine.’ That sounds like our Naz!

‘The government is lying to you,’ the doctor replied when we asked if she was Team Fleur. ‘The military-‘ But then her phone cut out! Sounds like the phone company are too busy watching re-runs of the Bachelor to keep the phone network running! We know it’s a great show guys, but get back to work!

True to his word, Jordan took Fleur for a romantic moonlit walk around Auckland’s fashionable and exclusive waterfront. Tens of thousands of Bachelor fans had slept outside all night waiting to get a glimpse of the couple as they strolled together along the romantic viaduct basin. But when the magic moment came the fans had all fallen fast asleep in their identical black sleeping bags zipped up over their faces. But there were plenty of soldiers about, waving and calling out to the happy couple, and they fired their rifles over their heads in celebration. Stay away from Fleur fellas! She’s taken!

Not all of the Bachelor beauties were playing hard-to-get. We texted feisty super-yacht masseuse Erin and asked her if she wished the happy couple all the best. True to form, she texted back right away from a traffic jam on the Great South Road, writing: ‘All the roads are blockaded. There are ditches filled with bodies. And now I’ve got blotches on my hands. I’m so scared. Can you help me?’

We CAN help Erin, by telling you to be yourself and stand strong. Don’t be scared! You have a big heart and a beautiful smile! You’ll find true love one day. Maybe Jordan could call one of his mates!

None of Jordan’s mates responded to our calls for comment.

True Love Reunited: The Fleur and Jordan Reunion Special will screen live at 8:30 on TV3 tonight, immediately after a reassuring message of calm from acting Prime Minister Lt-General Timothy Keating. It’s a date!

25 Comments »

  1. It’s a good idea. At least Tim Keating might cut our taxes.

    Comment by Matthew Hooton — May 13, 2016 @ 9:08 am

  2. Even satire on it is tl:dr. Sorry. It’s not your fault.

    Comment by roy cartland — May 13, 2016 @ 10:23 am

  3. Bread and circuses.

    Comment by McNulty — May 13, 2016 @ 10:52 am

  4. I can’t wait around until 8:30 to find out … surely you have some spoiler you could let drop?

    But, seeing as you say “As of press time seventeen of the bachelor beauties were confirmed to be seriously ill”, does that suggest Jordan is a non-symptomatic patient zero?

    Comment by Andrew Geddis — May 13, 2016 @ 11:20 am

  5. Lolz. Very good, Danyl.
    Given the context, this immediately made me think of Stephen King’s Cell.

    Comment by Gregor W — May 13, 2016 @ 11:35 am

  6. this immediately made me think of Stephen King’s Cell

    Thanks. Haven’t read that but I was thinking of The Stand.

    Comment by danylmc — May 13, 2016 @ 11:44 am

  7. I’m confused; no vampires or zombies?

    Comment by Robert Singers — May 13, 2016 @ 12:28 pm

  8. How long do those mo-fos take to decompose? I mean in a spirit of genuine curiosity, I’ve done experiments with dead chickens and have supported them on little chicken-wire frames, and logged the decomposition on a daily basis. After about a month or so the legs just fall of of their own accord. So surely they wouldn’t be able to transport themselves. My point is, surely you’d think there must be a realistic time-scale when an epidemic of that nature would just die out of its own accord you know natural decomposition.

    But that’s about as much as I have to say about reality tv.

    Comment by leeharmanclark — May 13, 2016 @ 12:52 pm

  9. Haven’t read that but I was thinking of The Stand.

    Cell is well worth a read. Fairly standard apocalyptic SK fare in terms of end-of-the-world character arc, but with a nice lightly technophobic “consumer technology as zombie vector” plot device.
    Much darker than The Stand in a lot of respects.
    Also, soon to be a movie I understand.

    Comment by Gregor W — May 13, 2016 @ 1:54 pm

  10. @leeharmonclark,

    Science is way ahead of you: http://moviepilot.com/posts/2812692

    Comment by Andrew Geddis — May 13, 2016 @ 2:04 pm

  11. That guy is such a buzzkill; the world is round, there are no zombies, I know science.

    Comment by Robert Singers — May 13, 2016 @ 2:29 pm

  12. Jordan’s been living right here in Auckland, all his life. You go see him, Naz. You and all your friends. You got to hurry, though.

    Comment by Phil — May 13, 2016 @ 2:33 pm

  13. You’re an amateur, Danyl. This is how you do satire:

    “Bachelor Jordan Mauger and his family have been verbally abused and sent threats since he dumped winner Fleur Verhoeven.

    In a statement, Verhoeven said she was “physically ill” by how badly Mauger and his family had been treated.

    “Can we for one moment step back and think, maybe the way Jordan has been portrayed over the last few days isn’t completely accurate. Maybe what we see and hear isn’t always 100 per cent true?!” …

    Verhoeven said the past two days had been “an emotional rollercoaster” but she had no ill feelings towards Mauger.

    “The last thing I want is for him and his family to be treated the way they are… he does not deserve this and the way he has is being portrayed is not the guy I developed feelings for.

    “Of course I would have loved for the outcome to be different and to have explored a possible relationship with Jordan, but I am also very grateful for his honesty and integrity and feel we both deserve your support.”

    Verhoeven also thanked her large number of supporters.

    “I have felt loved by the extreme outpouring of support from people all over the country and I want to say thank you to every single one of you from the bottom of my heart. I cannot begin to explain how overwhelmed I am by it all and put into words how much it means.”

    (more to come, after the merger …)

    Comment by sammy 3.0 — May 13, 2016 @ 4:46 pm

  14. LOL. I found quite difficult to configure my Chrome Kardashian filter to also filter Te Bachelor without including false positives, but it certainly works for certain keywords.

    Back to your breathless reporting – it seems to be a Mauger event indeed !

    Comment by Mikaere Curtis — May 13, 2016 @ 8:22 pm

  15. I’m sickened by the uncaring and callous disregard for the seriousness of The Show. Really.

    Comment by Don — May 14, 2016 @ 4:14 am

  16. @ andrew – (and kinemortophbies everywhere) this ties more into what I was describing:

    http://www.mtv.com/news/2358856/walking-dead-zombie-decomposition/

    Comment by leeharmanclark — May 14, 2016 @ 7:51 am

  17. This doesn’t ring true. Greenlane hospital is not glamorous. (You’re so obviously from Wellington!)

    Comment by MeToo — May 14, 2016 @ 11:39 am

  18. I never thought it would take a nationwide pandemic and Timothy Keating to bring down house prices in Auckland, but … fair enough. If that’s what it takes, then that’s what it takes.

    Comment by Economic Illiteracy Support Group — May 16, 2016 @ 5:54 pm

  19. The problem here is that I don’t think you really can satirise something like The Bachelor. Doesn’t the target have to be somewhat serious? Can you really satirise something so banal, superficial, shallow and trashy? Maybe a satire of the morons who watch this crap while serious shit goes down!

    God – now I sound like Sanctuary.

    Oh well – clickety click, bring the lights up

    Comment by Tom Hunter — May 16, 2016 @ 7:37 pm

  20. I thought this was pretty funny. Yay for satire

    A.

    Comment by Antoine — May 18, 2016 @ 3:49 am

  21. “Yay for satire” ?!?

    Just stop it.

    Like, totally.

    Comment by leeharmanclark — May 18, 2016 @ 6:27 am

  22. Sourpuss

    I was just having a millenial moment

    Comment by Antoine — May 18, 2016 @ 12:35 pm

  23. I’ll thank you to keep your twisted perversions to yourself, sirrah.

    Comment by leeharmanclark — May 18, 2016 @ 7:43 pm

  24. Return to form. Thank you!

    Comment by samfnz — May 18, 2016 @ 9:41 pm


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