In a shock twist that will shock the nation, Bachelor sweethearts Jordan Mauger and Fleur Verhoeven are getting back together again! And you won’t believe what caused it!
‘Sometimes stuff changes your mind about stuff,’ quipped Jordan, the hunky film director who broke Fleur’s heart just days ago, before calling her last night to arrange a surprise, intimate date that will screen on TV3 tonight and be live simulcast online.
‘Sometimes you have to listen to your heart when it tells you to follow your dreams,’ said Fleur, the willowy dutch beauty who won the show but lost her man. Or has she? You go girl! Fleurpower!
So what prompted Jordan’s change of heart?
According to sources inside the TV3 publicity department, the sudden change of heart was brought about by a sudden illness. No, it wasn’t heartbreak or love-blindness. It was a mystery virus that causes rashes, convulsions and a non-responsive coma! Yikes! And it has struck down none other than Bachelor runner-up Naz, who confirmed that she slept with Jordan several times during the show. Naz is confined to be gravely ill with the as-yet-unnamed highly contagious disease; the feisty contestant has also previously confirmed that her large D cup breasts are the result of breast augmentation. What a handful!
‘Naz getting sick just made me think,’ quipped Jordan. ‘So I called Fleur.’ That’s our man!
As of press time seventeen of the bachelor beauties were confirmed to be seriously ill. Sounds like a serious case of love-sickness all round for these girls!
We spoke to a doctor at Auckland’s glamorous Greenlane hospital where Naz, who used the f-bomb live on TV, is being treated, and asked her if she was worried Jordan would break Fleur’s heart all over again.
But this doctor didn’t have love on her mind. ‘Stay away from the hospitals. They’re a vector for the pandemic,’ she yelled down the line, adding that Bachelor fans eager to wish Naz well should avoid Greenlane hospital which she described as ‘Hell on earth. Worse than anything you can imagine.’ That sounds like our Naz!
‘The government is lying to you,’ the doctor replied when we asked if she was Team Fleur. ‘The military-‘ But then her phone cut out! Sounds like the phone company are too busy watching re-runs of the Bachelor to keep the phone network running! We know it’s a great show guys, but get back to work!
True to his word, Jordan took Fleur for a romantic moonlit walk around Auckland’s fashionable and exclusive waterfront. Tens of thousands of Bachelor fans had slept outside all night waiting to get a glimpse of the couple as they strolled together along the romantic viaduct basin. But when the magic moment came the fans had all fallen fast asleep in their identical black sleeping bags zipped up over their faces. But there were plenty of soldiers about, waving and calling out to the happy couple, and they fired their rifles over their heads in celebration. Stay away from Fleur fellas! She’s taken!
Not all of the Bachelor beauties were playing hard-to-get. We texted feisty super-yacht masseuse Erin and asked her if she wished the happy couple all the best. True to form, she texted back right away from a traffic jam on the Great South Road, writing: ‘All the roads are blockaded. There are ditches filled with bodies. And now I’ve got blotches on my hands. I’m so scared. Can you help me?’
We CAN help Erin, by telling you to be yourself and stand strong. Don’t be scared! You have a big heart and a beautiful smile! You’ll find true love one day. Maybe Jordan could call one of his mates!
None of Jordan’s mates responded to our calls for comment.
True Love Reunited: The Fleur and Jordan Reunion Special will screen live at 8:30 on TV3 tonight, immediately after a reassuring message of calm from acting Prime Minister Lt-General Timothy Keating. It’s a date!