The Dim-Post

October 31, 2008

Dim-Post Party Profile: Te Tōrangapū Māori

Filed under: Politics,satire — danylmc @ 3:26 pm
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Founded In: July 2004

Number of MP’s: 4

Leaders: Tariana Turia and Dr Pita Sharples

Slogan: Nā tō waterbed, nā taku waterbed, ka ora ai te iwi

Policy Achievements: Formation of party led to an increase in health funding required to treat Prime Minister Helen Clark’s blood pressure; strong performance in Marae-Digipolls has forced ACT and National Party MPs to pretend they care about indigenous persons and treaty issues; pressure over police handling of the notorious ‘anti-terror raids’ may make it easier for sensible everyday New Zealanders to stockpile weapons and plot to kill whitey.

Party co-leader: Hon Tarina Turia

Strengths: Has forged strong working relationship with National leader John Key, partly because Key admires Turia’s pragmatic straight-forward approach to problem solving and partly because she kind of reminds him of Yoda.

Weaknesses: Could be accident prone; during a 2005 speech to the staff at Te Puni KoKiri Prime Minister Helen Clark cautioned Turia against spending too long at Parliament advising her that it was ‘a dangerous place’ and expressing concern for her safety. ‘As Minister of Intelligence I hear all about the accidents that happen to people there,’ Clark said. ‘Fires, sudden falls. Bad air – or not enough of it.’

Party co-leader: Dr Pita Sharples

Strengths: Can cast Web, Power Word Kill and Darkness 15′ radius/3 times per combat round.

Weaknesses: Takes double damage from blunt weapons.

September 1, 2008

Waiho i te toipoto

Filed under: Uncategorized — danylmc @ 2:39 pm
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There seems to be a widespread sentiment – encouraged by John Key’s excommunication of Winston Peter’s and Hone Harawira’s cheerful prognosis that the Labour Party are ‘finished’ – that National and the Maori’s are natural coalition partners.

Maybe they’ll be able to work something out – a Maori agreement to abstain on confidence and supply, say – but I simply can’t see how the two parties could ever reconcile their viewpoints towards the foreshore and seabed issue. The other problem is that in 2005 four Maori electorates voted for Maori party MP’s – but those electorates all overwhelmingly list-voted for Labour (so much so that it caused an overhang in the house). The Maori Party would have to get some pretty astonishing concessions from National to prevent themselves from being wiped out in the 2011 election – and its a safe bet that those concessions would be horribly offensive to vast numbers of National supporters.

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